Heartbreak: Why Some People Bounce Back and Others Don’t

Heartbreak: Why Some People Bounce Back and Others Don’t

When you’ve given out as much relationship advice as I have, you come to learn a lot about people and how they experience love. What I find in common with many of my clients and people who read my blogs is heartbreak and the impact it has on their lives.

Everyone has had their heart broken at least once or twice in their lifetime and getting over it is like going 12 rounds in a boxing match with Floyd May weather.

As common as heartbreak is…the impact it has on a person’s life can vary greatly. You have those who feel like they’ve been run over by a train, they can’t eat, or sleep, or maybe that’s all they want to do is; hide under the covers and escape the world and forever.

Yet there are those who get their heart broken one day and a few weeks later they’re open and ready to give and receive love once again.

Its crazy how that works, isn’t it?

Heartbreak, as devastating as it can be, can have a different affect on an individual and how they see love and happiness going forward.

But why?

Why is it that some of us can take a few moments to heal from a breakup and move on, while others need years or they may never truly heal at all?

If there’s any bit of relationship advice that I’ve given to women and men over and over again, it’s all about self-love.

Now before you say, “What does loving myself have to do with healing from a breakup and getting over heartbreak” let me explain.

Self Love is…

  • Valuing who you are and knowing where you stand in life
  • Having the ability to be compassionate towards yourself
  • Accepting you for who you are (flaws and all)
  • Knowing what your needs are and paying attention to them

So, having a better understanding of what self-love is, wouldn’t you say it’s safe to assume that a person who truly knows and loves every part of who they are as an individual would have an easier time getting over heartbreak?

Still not convinced? Let’s look at what it takes to truly get past heartbreak:

Relationship and psychology experts alike agree that in order to truly start healing from a breakup you must be willing to do the following:

  • Come to terms with what happened
  • Realize it wasn’t your fault (stop picking yourself apart) while also gracefully recognizing your contribution (no matter how minor or major that was)
  • Pace yourself in the grieving process of a breakup
  • Tend to your personal needs so that you can move on
  • Learn to let go
  • Recognize when you need help (i.e. counseling)
  • Know that not all relationships are doomed and believe in love
  • Get clear about what type of love relationship will compliment you

If you have any level of self-love you can accomplish each of these stages of recovery a lot easier than if you’re not really sure of yourself and your position in life.

A person who loves themselves can easily:

  • See the relationship for what it was and take from it the lessons that need to be learned going forward
  • Realize their worth and value and foster that until they’re ready to receive love again
  • Understand that while they may have played a role in the demise of the relationship, it is not solely their fault nor does it warrant the pain they’re experiencing
  • Recognize that the love they received from their ex is not something they’re going to go back to
  • Understand that they should not have to change who they are at the core to receive the love of another
  • They recognize if they’re spiraling into an unhealthy emotional place. And instead replace the unhelpful thoughts and feelings with, acceptance, love, forgiveness and kindness.
  • Healing from a heartbreak is whole lot easier with proper rest, food and good company.
  • Understand that carrying baggage from the past only hinders their ability to move forward in the future. If they’re having a particularly difficult time moving on they are willing to pull apart their thoughts and feelings to heal, learn and rebuild.

No matter how evolved you are, a relationship ending can still bite and send us into an emotional spin. Ultimately, the more evolved you are the easier it will be to overcome a breakup. The healing process tends to be magnified the less connected one is to their own worth, which is linked to how well they love themselves.

They say love can make you do crazy things. However, did you know that people who feel heartbroken or betrayed by those they love are more likely to:

  • Become depressed
  • Commit suicide
  • Build up walls that forever hinder their ability to love
  • Accept less than the standard for love in future relationships

It is important to deal with a bad breakup and heartbreak early on. Sweeping it under a rug or jumping back into the dating scene too soon can cause more problems for you down the road…

With that being said, if you can learn to love yourself first, chances are you’ll come out of this heartbreaking experience a lot wiser than you were before.

If you find that you’re having a hard time getting over a breakup you may need to look past the issues within the relationship and look deeper within yourself. When you’re not able to love yourself through even the most difficult times in life, you’ll find that navigating through this thing called life is a lot more challenging.

Know you, know your worth, know that you will be okay, and with time you will bounce back and have the ability to love and be loved once again. As trying as it may seem, heartbreak is a part of life but, it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.


  • Alleyne
    November 18, 2016 2:28 am

    I was very much in love with my baby’s mom,she was with me also, but for the first year or so. I started to see a difference in our relationship by the 4th month of our son’s birth. Anyway, she hates me for filing for custody of our son. She had me arrested on charges that were false. Would anyone believe , lm still in love with her? ( I’m crazy , I’ll admit). I love my son dearly ,but can’t see him because of the bad blood between us. I’ll do almost anything to have her back in my life , but l know that is not possible. About my son, I’ll love for him to part of my life. Hopefully, time will cure the hatred she has for me and my don wIll want to know who his father is. I’m crazy about my son !!!

    • Nadine Piat
      March 1, 2017 11:35 pm

      Hi Alleyne, I’m so sorry to hear this. Are things any better now? It’s very sad how ugly a breakup can be. It can bring the worst out in people which is such a shame. Are you able to talk to your ex and work out away to work together as parents and as people who used to have a lot of love for each other (and you said you still do). Do you think you are able to get over your hurt and anger to be a good father and good ex? Because being an effective parent is to teach our kids how to deal with conflict and to set an example of honour and mindfulness. Maybe instead of trying to get her back (or thinking about it), now is the time to be the best you can be. Heal your hurt, get some really good therapy, then the rest will fall into place. Nadine x p.s. sorry of the delayed response.

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