One of the biggest mistakes we make in our relationships is using words that kill intimacy and connection! There are quite a few words and phrases that can wreak havoc in your love life, though saying “I’m fine” (when you’re not) would have to be one of the most common words women use that does more harm than good!
Basically, these words will BACKFIRE on you almost every time!!!
Can you remember when was the last time you said “I’m fine” and knew it was clearly a lie?
Sure, it seems easier to say we’re fine when we’re not, though it’s one of the worst mistakes we make in our relationships and also something that is relatively easy to change.
Imagine you’ve just started dating this great guy, who’s basically all you’ve ever looked for in a man. The relationship is still new, you’re not completely open with each other, which is absolutely normal, then one day he says or does something that annoys you. It could be something tiny or relatively insignificant, but it annoys you. Your man asks what’s wrong and you say… “Nothing. I’m fine.”
We’ve all been there, right? You don’t feel close enough to him to tell him directly what’s wrong, but you can’t just shake off the annoyance immediately. Men are not stupid or oblivious to your non-verbal vibes, they can sense when something’s up! What they can’t always sense is exactly what is wrong. Unless we tell them.
Why do so many women do this?
Sure, men can use these words too, though largely it’s women who more often say “I’m fine” when they’re not?
The strange thing about this is men and even women joke about this unhelpful response to a deeper question. We know that men know that we’re not fine, and we know that saying we’re fine when we’re not is annoying, though we still do it.
Perhaps it’s time to break the cycle, and since it’s not so easy to break a cycle or a habit without knowing why we do something, here are the top 6 reasons why you might say these hair pulling words:
- You don’t feel connected enough to your, man to be honest with him, or as I said above, because the relationship is new you worry that he won’t take it well. If the relationship is new then within reason it’s okay to not necessarily share all, as long as it doesn’t last forever. As you get to know each other, you would naturally start trusting each other more and this guardedness will dissolve. Though a healthy relationship requires open and honest communication so the earlier you start the better. If you’ve been with your man for a while and you don’t feel you can be honest with him then perhaps it’s time to rethink the relationship on multiple levels (revisit how you communicate, look at your core values, compatibility).
- You might be testing him to see if he can at least make the effort to read your mind. Perhaps it doesn’t even take reading your mind. Perhaps it takes a little bit of observation, right? That’s what you think. Men are typically not as observant in the same way as women, they want straight answers when they ask “What’s wrong?”. They don’t want to guess, they don’t want to play games, they just want an honest answer.
- You’re worried if you tell him what’s wrong, it will lead to a bigger problem or it will upset him, and you don’t want that (or god forbid, you push him away). That’s really nice of you but… see above. It’s more likely to create a bigger problem if you don’t say what’s wrong — he might start suspecting you’re not being honest with him and he won’t know why. That’s a love killer right there.
- You just don’t feel like talking about whatever it is that has upset you. It happens. Sometimes we’re so tired, stressed, or not in a good shape emotionally, that we simply don’t have the energy to start a conversation. So, we say “I’m fine”. Just add “Do you mind if we don’t talk about it right now (…tomorrow would be better)” to give him at least some peace of mind.
- You don’t know what’s wrong yourself. Let’s admit it — sometimes we get peeved at something and we’re not sure exactly why. We’re still trying to work out if we’re creating a mountain out of a molehill, we worried if we’re being triggered or overreacting. Since we’re not clear what’s wrong with us, we can’t really be expected to explain it to someone else, can we?
- You want to punish your man and make him suffer. Saying you’re fine can be a passive aggressive stance that can put the other person on edge (including yourself). It’s like a slow quiet death. Taking your time to gather your thoughts and process your feelings is one thing, treating your man in a dismissive and belittling way is not going to create more love and affection. Over time it will drive a wedge in your relationship, perhaps one too big to cross or put back together.
Here’s the thing, if you make a habit of saying “I’m fine” when you’re not, it will become a problem for the relationship. When your man asks you what’s wrong, he wants to help you feel better or he wants to help fix the problem. Denying him this opportunity means denying him a chance to show you how much he cares for you and values your relationship.
And don’t worry about making a small problem bigger by saying what bothers you. If there is a bigger problem, it won’t disappear just because you tell yourself and your man you’re fine. But if there isn’t a big issue at hand, why have him worry that he’s done something wrong when he really hasn’t?
In my Never Lose Him, Program there is a chapter called “Flag It”. This “Flag It’ technique works wonders in a relationship. When you flag how you’re feeling you then allow the other person to feel safe with you, which stops bigger issues from developing and will diffuse the little issues.
Cultivate a healthy relationship with courage. Be honest, be brave and tell your man straight when something’s upset you.
Never underestimate the power of open and honest communication and keep the “I’m fine” line for times when you really are fine.