Do You Feel Safe in Your Relationship?

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Do You Feel Safe and Secure in Your Relationship?

A healthy relationship is composed of numerous things and one of those things is safety, and not necessarily in an obvious kind of way.

If you’re not feeling as though your relationship is flowing or you feel you’re in struggle-land then one or some of the following could be happening in your relationship.

Firstly…

It’s important to feel secure and at ease with the person you’re dating or in a relationship with. A relationship is supposed to be enjoyable and there should be a lovely sense of flow between you and your man…

Even when you’re experiencing challenges in a relationship, you should feel comfortable and secure.

And it pretty much goes without saying… there are some very obvious issues around safely…

Of course you won’t feel safe if your partner crosses verbal, physical, emotional, or sexual boundaries.

Physical abuse is the most obvious breach of safetly and even though it may be obvious, too many women don’t stand up in personal power or require to be treated with kindness and care.  Too many women accept less than loving behaviour and stay in unhealtlhy relationships.

If your partner hurts you, it’s only normal that you won’t feel safe. You have to understand that it isn’t safe to stay in a relationship where there’s any form of abuse.

Even a person who threatens you verbally is crossing a love boundary and this is not a place that offers emotional safety. (If you think your partner isn’t treating you right, please get help or get out.  There’s help available, and it’s up to you to get it)

So… other than the “obvious”, what other behaviors can affect your sense of safety in a relationship?

Some of these are quite subtle and can fall under the radar, so much so that you may not be consciouly aware of how these things can affect love and intimacy.

It’s important to know what these behaviors are so you can take action before you get too involved or things worsen.

It’s also important to be honest with you – maybe you are the one who is dishing out good doses of unhealthy love or maybe it’s both of you.

The good news is you can change your love patterns, all it takes is one person to start the process of change.

feel safe

Behaviors that affect your feeling of safety:

Unkept Promises

If you’re partner doesn’t stick to promises and is rarely there for you, it’s likely you’ll feel a sense of dis-ease, you’ll not trust what they say and you’ll most likely feel as though your sense of safety is affected.

i.e. When they say they’ll call you at lunch, or they’ll pick you up at a certain time, they should. If they can’t, they must have a valid reason for failing to contact you. It may not be physical abuse, but this behaviour can definitely affect you emotionally and the quality of your relationship. You won’t feel secure. Your emotions may be easily swayed and you may even start to think that it’s something about you, you may believe that you some how deserve to be treated poorly.

Lying

Catching your partner lying is never good for any relationship. It can be a petty lie or a major one; it won’t really matter. The fact that they lied is already a cause for concern and you won’t feel emotionally at ease… you won’t trust that what they say is true and connection is lost.

You can always forgive a small lie, but it’s hard to forget when lying becomes a habit… your “safety” in the relationship is then compromised.

Overly Reactive

A person who is unnecessarily reactive is something to be mindful of. You won’t feel “safe” or have a healthy relationship when you have a person who reacts even to the smallest things and isn’t able to communicate his/her issues in a more objective way.

Not Listening

People can feel unsafe when their feelings and thoughts are not respected and heard.  Also, when someone blames you for everything and is not open to hearing you and learning and growing with you, you will not feel safe in the relationship. You won’t feel part of a team, instead it will feel as though you and he are against each other.  Every other day will feel like a mini battle.

Most people ignore the above behaviors because of various factors.  Here are a couple of reasons:

  • They man not believe they are deserving of anything better
  • It’s what they grew up with (childhood/primary relationship model)

How to react to these behaviors

By all means, don’t act like them. You’re a woman who has integrity; keep it that way by staying true to you.

  • Have a discussion and share how you feel – let your partner know your thoughts and be direct and graceful at the same time. No need to beat around the bush.
  • Don’t put the blame on him – don’t “wrong” your partner, express your perspective, understand theirs.
  • Work at finding a solution – no talking in circles, work together and put a plan in place.
  • Create reasonable and solid boundaries – your partner should promise to actively work with you and not cross the line.

When working out challenges it’s important that both people feel:

  • Heard
  • Understood
  • Valued
  • Accepted

What to expect after the discussion

Your partner will either change or be the same man!

Those who change for the better are those who are mature enough to accept their faults and have a real desire to grow and to connect with you.

People make mistakes, and your man is no exception. Although if nothing changes, then the decision to leave the relationship or give him another chance rests in your hands.

Before you make a final judgment, think clearly and objectively…

You have to know what you’re going to gain or lose should you choose to stay or should you decide to leave for good.

Some relationship challenge are easily workable others are certainly not.  Knowing the difference is the answer to more or less love and intimacy in your life.

Finally, remember that what you need is a healthy relationship. If you don’t feel safe emotionally or physically then change your path by re-adjusting the sails and find safety elsewhere.

Love is supposed to feel good….

If you feel as though you’re always wondering what’s going to happen next and not in a good way, then it’s time to reset the love map.

To Safe Love!

 

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Comments

  1. Avatar of Joanne Gomez

    Joanne Gomez

    December 10, 2013

    Lies and Unkept promises are probably the most common reasons why girls are afraid of commitment. I don’t know why (and I mean this in the most non-sexist way possible) most guys find it easy to lie, and even find it easier to NEVER, and I mean NEVER admit that they lied or did not keep a promise. It’s like for as long as there’s no evidence, the secret remains a secret forever.

    This is just plain crazy. :| Have you observed the same thing?

  2. Avatar of Nadine Piat

    Nadine Piat

    December 10, 2013

    Hi Joanne…

    I don’t know if it’s true that a man won’t admit he lied… maybe some, although I don’t think this is always the case.

    In my Unlock His Heart program I talk about men and lying some men lie just because they’re liars, others lie because they thinks it’s easier than telling the truth.

    Some women react to hearing the truth in a way that stops men from being honest. This does not make it okay. It’s just something to ponder and wonder about.

    I have met my fair share of liars and I have been with men who were honest and forthcoming.

    Find one of those! They’re the best!

    Nadine x

  3. Avatar of Joanne Gomez

    Joanne Gomez

    December 14, 2013

    Thanks for the reply Nadine! :)

    I am sorry if my previous post sounded harsh and close-minded. :| I have encountered, same as you, guys who really lie, but then, once caught, it is always their excuse that they’re just “protecting our feelings”. Sometimes I dont buy this anymore.

    I guess relationship is always a two-way street, Most likely, men lie to avoid conflicts — something that most women initiate through the persistently high-pitched nagging.

    I do not close doors though, I know genuine people still exist today :)

  4. Avatar of Michelle Bell

    Michelle Bell

    December 19, 2013

    Thanks for this article! I can truly relate to this! Will share this article to my friends who are still in a relationship and hopefully, this would make them realize things I was not able to like….

    Towards the end of the relationship, I’ve been verbally, (good thing not physically coz I will smack him back with all I’ve got!) and emotionally abused by my boyfriend. But thing is with us girls, “love” or whatever infatuation we have clouds our logic, our rationality, our — well, common sense. We forgive and forget until the next pain reminds us of how badly hurt we really are inside.

    Such a pity on our side! Well, glad I am over that! :)

  5. Avatar of Grace Davis

    Grace Davis

    December 19, 2013

    This is especially important when you are already married and have kids! :)
    Of course, in the dating stage, it’s easy to say “I will leave you, I don’t want you anymore.” But when you are already a wife and a mother, you cannot quit and move on to the next buffet of men/women.

    Push for security! We, ladies, deserve to be treated with still much care and love. :)

  6. Avatar of Raven

    Raven

    July 12, 2014

    You’ve pointed out very solid points, Nadine.

    And if I may add, keeping secrets. I know that we all deserve our private thoughts and just because you’re a couple means that everything MUST be shared. However, there are certain things that you should not keep from your partner.

    What do you think of this, Nadine?

    • Avatar of Nadine Piat

      Nadine Piat

      September 3, 2014

      Of course Keeping Secrets is not healthy for a relationship and there are some things that do not always need to discussed. So it’s discerning what’s healthy to share and what’s not. If an ex called you to catch up and you don’t tell your partner then is that keeping a secret or not. It depends on the content of the conversation and what happens as a result. Normally we keep things quiet because we feel guilty of something or we’re worried our partner cannot handle the information. If your partner cannot handle an open an honest relationship then that is where the core issue lies.

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