Have you ever been involved with a guy where you’d describe it more like a love hate relationship?
You quickly fell in love with him when you first met, but as time went on you came to realize that he or the relationship wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be? Yet you “love” him so much that you claim you couldn’t see yourself with anyone else.
I’m sure we’ve all been there at least once in our lives (or maybe you’re in this situation right now). You are so hopeful to find true love that you might be willing to forego the true meaning of love and simply receive what you’re given.
Or perhaps you’ve fallen in love with the concept of being with a guy, but don’t necessarily take the time to work out how to compatible you both really are.
It’s strange how that works. Believe it or not it is at the top of the list of mistakes women make in relationships.
You’re unhappy in the relationship, but you’d rather hang onto him than let him go and hold out for the right guy.
Why is that?
Here are a few excuses I’ve heard over the years…
“It’s better than being alone.”
“We’ve been together so long that I can’t see myself with anyone else.”
“I know the bad outweighs the good, but when it’s good, it’s really good.”
“My friends and family love him.”
“I don’t want to upset the kids.”
“We can’t afford to be on our own.”
“Ahh…that’s just how he is, I’m used to it.”
The list goes on, but I think you catch my drift.
For some reason women would rather stay in a “love hate relationship” than block out the white noise or kick the “dead weight” to the curb. This my sound a bit harsh, though the truth is the truth. Whatever is dragging you down is dead-weight… it’s never going to flourish or bare any edible fruit.
This does not mean that the guy is horrible or bad, it means that the relationship does not serve the greater you. It’s a liability, not a prospering and appreciating investment of time, energy, emotion, love, and even money.
This kind of sounds like a business transaction, though love really isn’t that different; energy in, energy out, money in, money out, commitment in, commitment out, love in, love out, kindness in, kindness out!
It’s all about investing and some investments turn to gold while others end up being a hole in your pocket. This is not about ticks and crosses, this is about being honest with your heart and living with self-honour and respecting your core-values.
Sure, it’s seems easy to find many reasons why to see a relationship through or stay, but in all actuality there shouldn’t be any excuse when it comes to your emotional health and sanity.
If you’re not truly happy in a relationship, if you don’t like the person you’re in “love” with, you’re never going to have true happiness or true love for that matter.
You have to ask yourself, is it really worth compromising my happiness to be with this person?
Don’t get me wrong. There will be times even in healthy relationships when you want to scream. Times where you’re not always in sync. However, even in your worst worse day as a couple, you should still feel safe, content and confident with the person you’re with.
If this is not the case, unfortunately your happiness will forever be compromised, and you’ll never know what it’s like to be truly in love and to be loved back.
So how do you know… really know…when you’re just grasping at straws and not really in love (or in like) with the guy you’re with?
- You can only list physical attributes as reasons you’re with the person
- You find yourself longing for someone else on the regular basis
- You have to work at the issues in a relationship more than you enjoy being in the relationship
- You’ve given up on meeting his needs because he’s not meeting yours
- The physical attraction is gone
- You keep comparing his current actions to his past actions (you know, the things he did that swept you off your feet that he stopped doing the moment you made it official)
- You could care less about spending quality time with them (in fact you revel in the moments you’re alone just to get a break from him)
- Your fear of being alone is bigger than your need to be loved and respected by him
- He’s become more of a roommate or best bud than a significant other
If you’ve noticed any of the above in your relationship as of late, it is a very real possibility that you’re not in love anymore (or never were to begin with) and that you barely even like the guy you’re with.
It may be time to reevaluate what true love is to you and what healthy relationships look and feel like.
So what does true love look and feel like?
Everyone has different core values and will be attracted to different men for different reasons, either way, these following points are the foundations for healthy loving and smooth sailing:
- True love is felt consistently, not 10 or 20% of the time.
- It is feeling confident each day that the two of you want the same thing (even if things aren’t perfect, they rarely are)
- It is the willingness to compromise and work as a team (in healthy and relevant ways)
- It is wanting to make improvements for your relationship each day
- It is a physical, spiritual, and emotional connection that never ends (that grows and develops)
- It is equal respect for one another’s individuality and what it brings to the relationship
- It is a strong sense of trust, loyalty, and understanding
- It is a willingness to support your loved one’s goals and dreams as they equally support yours
- You both like yourselves and each other (self-love).
- You both value character over superficial attraction (sure you want to be with some who you’re physically attracted to, though they also turn you on a person, the whole package is attractive to you – mind, body and soul).
If you don’t recognize any of these characteristics in your relationship, it is pretty safe to assume that the two of you are not really and truly in love, and certainly not on the same page.
Don’t Settle for Less than You Deserve
I don’t know why but there is this wide misconception that in order to find true happiness you need to be in a relationship. Of the mistakes that women make in relationships by far, accepting less than they deserve is a large one. We assume that what we have is better than what we’ve been through and so it MUST be true love.
All of these misconceptions lead us to devalue ourselves and what we want from our relationships…
No, we shouldn’t expect everything to be a bed or roses every day. No we shouldn’t expect for our partners to be the sole source of our happiness. However, we also shouldn’t be unhappy in a relationship just to say we’re in one.
It is important that you don’t allow fears of being alone, the need to be happy, or the desire to be in a committed relationship force you into a relationship that is meaningless, burdensome, or draining on the regular basis.
Being in a loving relationship is not one sided. It is something that you both should feel and act on daily no matter what your circumstances may be. So before you settle for a love hate relationship, ask yourself, is it this really serving my big picture, the all of me?
Please tell me all about your experience with a love/hate relationship (comment below the blog).
~ Nadine Piat