Have you ever been taken over by a raging fire of jealousy? You see your partner talking to a woman at a party and you instantly fear that you might lose your man or you accuse him of doing something wrong? Maybe you wonder if the text messages he receives could be from another woman?
You may also experience bouts of jealousy and insecurity amongst friends, work colleagues or with family members. Jealousy that’s unchecked has no boundaries and can eat away at your relationships, seeing them quickly spiral to a place of no return.
When you get jealous, you may sometimes ask yourself, “Should I really feel this way? Am I just getting myself worked up over nothing?”
Jealousy can be destructive and does not allow for a healthy relationship to develop and become an open, secure and long-term connection. Oftentimes, jealousy rears its ugly head whenever you see your man checking out another girl or spending more time with other people rather than bonding with you. It can happen when you see your friends or family having fun with other people without including you.
But did you know that there are times when it’s perfectly justifiable to be jealous? Well, to be honest, it’s not that it’s justifiable or that anyone wants to live in a state of jealousy, more accurately, the jealousy is alerting you to something that you should be paying attention to.
Here are some points to help you recognise if your jealousy is reasonable or not:
When you’ve been cheated on in the past. Even if your partner is faithful, the experience of being cheated on can be hard to separate from your overall feelings towards any relationship. This is even worse if you’re staying with a man who has already cheated on you before. Every time you see your current partner behaving the same way your cheating ex did or behaving the way he did when he cheated on you, you may start to feel the pangs of paranoia and jealousy rise up again. It’s important to work out if these feelings relate to the present moment or the past.
Your boyfriend talks about his ex a lot. No one wants to feel as though their partner is still stuck on an ex. Whenever your man mentions his ex, you may start comparing yourself with his past flame or fear that he still has feelings for her. You may start to wonder why he’s talking about his ex, and you may even feel like he’s talking about her good points in order to make you feel inadequate compared to her. If this is case then it’s important to talk about this with your partner. If he’s not over his ex then he’s not ready for real commitment with you. It’s that simple. Are they simply friends or is more going on? Remember, some people can have great friendships with exes. I do and the man in my life knows this. I don’t have anything to hide and they know each other.
You feel left out. This applies to any relationship, whether with your guy, your friends or your family members. No one wants to be left out. The jealousy in this case stems from the fact that you feel like there are other people your loved ones want to spend time with, and they don’t want to include you. It gets worse whenever you see them having a lot of fun without you, and you tally up all the times when they left you out to do something they enjoyed. People connect with others in different ways. No friendship is the same. That’s life. It’s okay to be closer to some people and not so much with others. Pay attention to nurturing your relationships and less time being concerned what everyone else is doing.
How to Get Over Your Jealousy?
Overcoming jealousy is important to all healthy relationships. Getting over jealousy doesn’t happen overnight. You have to genuinely want to eliminate the feelings of jealousy while also putting in some effort. Here are some ways you can do that:
Have faith in your partner. Believing that your partner is telling the truth can be the key to stop being so paranoid. When you believe what he’s saying, there will no longer be a need to anxiously double check everything he says with all the facts you have at hand. When you believe your partner, you can also slowly let go of awful habits like checking their online accounts or counting the minutes it took for him to reply to your messages. This can be enough to help you breathe easy in your relationship.
Stop playing the comparison game. There will always be someone smarter than you, prettier than you, kinder than you, funnier than you, and so forth. It’s not your goal to be perfect, so you shouldn’t have to constantly think of being better than your guy’s ex or your friends’ other friends. You’re awesome the way you are. It’s important to accept that even though there will be others who have different strengths to you, this doesn’t lessen your value.
Stop living in your paranoid fantasy. Sometimes our imaginations can get the better of us. When your guy takes a little too long to reply, do you suddenly think that he might be too busy flirting with his officemate? When he doesn’t want to hang out, do you suddenly think that it’s because he’s not that into you or that he’s got a girl at his place? Stop for a moment, take a breath and don’t let your imagination run wild. Ask yourself if the scenario you have in your head is plausible or even logical. If it’s not, snap yourself out of your imagined cause for jealousy and just take your man’s word for it. Believe in yourself.
Assess your Relationship – One of the best way to overcome jealousy is assess your relationship. You need to know how your relationship works. Is there give and take and is it built on trust, respect and love? If you answered yes and you’re still feeling jealous, look at yourself and explore your own experiences, learn to understand the root of your doubt, jealousy and paranoia. If your relationship lacks; mindfulness, kindness and emotional intimacy, then perhaps your jealousy is something worth paying attention to. There’s always a healthy solution for every problem.
Quit playing games. Do you ever catch yourself asking questions that will could never deliver the answer you want to hear? For instance, you may ask your partner what he liked about his ex. If he says something positive, you’ll get jealous and accuse him of not being over her. If he doesn’t say anything positive, you’d accuse him of lying. There’s just no winning! And to make it worse, you’re gathering up some more fuel for your jealousy. Just drop the games and don’t bait your guy into saying something that will make you jealous.
Just because you get jealous from time to time, doesn’t make you an irrational person. Jealousy can surface with even the most evolved woman, though most of the time it’s pretty easy to diffuse it once you get to the root of it – you’ll then know if it’s fact or fiction. If you feel like you may be smothering your man with your accusations and demands for proof of his loyalty, stop yourself and think your actions through.
Nothing will drive a man away faster than extreme jealousy. So do your relationship a favour and try to lessen the jealousy, and focus more on creating a healthy and honest bond with your guy. There’s nothing more attractive and alluring than a woman who knows her worth and value in a relationship.
~ Nadine Piat