Scared to Settle So You Stay Single?

Scared to Settle So You Stay Single?

Don’t watch the years pass by attached to your comfort zone

Staying single today is much easier, much more acceptable than it was, say, a hundred years ago. There are people for whom the single life suits their lifestyle — because that’s the way they like it. But many more stay single because they are afraid of commitment.

Of course, there are a lot of things that can seem scary about a relationship: it means sharing your life with another human being and this can be challenging in so many different ways. But the “good” in a mature relationship certainly outweighs the “bad”…

So, how scared are you and, more importantly, what are you scared of the most?

A lot of us stay single because of relationship trauma.

I can’t think of one woman whose love life has been completely stress-free and easy. It’s just impossible — dating and parenting have this in common: none of us are born knowing exactly what to do. This means, we’ll all face challenges and with these challenges, even though we may learn some invaluable lessons, it’s not unusual to feel a little emotionally bruised, battered and scared. 

How deep the scars depends on how destructive the relationship was and how you dealt with the situation. Some of us are more easily wounded than others. If your heart has been broken repeatedly, or once but violently, it’s only natural that you will be afraid to love again, at least for a while.

If you really suffered and you feel you can’t pick up the pieces, this “for a while” may well turn out to be “forever”, which means that you might miss on the opportunity to find true love. Don’t you believe there is such a thing as true love? Oh, but there is.

Many women place the bar too high.

Along with the many great ways popular culture has influenced our way of thinking, it has also affected us in ways we’re still not aware of — in not so great ways.

A recent survey among men and women identified the perfect male and female body. Both are made up of the body parts of several different people. It seems that thanks to popular culture and the belief that we can have it all, a lot of us prefer to reject a man just because they are waiting for the Mr.Perfect who has the body, the brains, the wit, and, well, the money.

They are afraid they would lose out on something wonderful if they settle for less than perfect. Afraid they would compromise what they rightfully deserve.

In real life, people are not perfect. Everybody has flaws, including you and me, and the dream guy you are waiting for. It’s great to have the self-respect that helps you avoid pointless, potentially damaging or simply unfulfilling relationships. It’s not so great, however, to place the bar too high — you might end up single for life when you don’t have to be. 

Maybe he isn’t the perfect height, maybe he’s not as funny as you’d like, maybe you don’t like his bowed legs, or maybe he has a good job though he doesn’t earn as much as you’d like.  Do these things make him a mismatch?  In many cases, the answer is – NO! An open mind and heart is a good place to start.  

Sometimes we are just too afraid of change.

We are all creatures of habit — we build a lifestyle that we enjoy and can naturally become quite attached to it, which can see us fearful of giving it up to share our life with someone else. A lot of relationship advice treats this huge theme with some experts advising that if you like your lifestyle so much, you might be better off on your own instead of compromising it (not my advice).

I think differently, based on both my own relationship experience and my work as a coach. I believe that we are much more adaptable than we give ourselves credit for. Your single-lifestyle may be great, and at the same time, there is nothing quite like sharing life experiences with a good man by your side.

Rather than seeing a relationship as a threat to your lifestyle, could it in fact; enhance it, build upon it, and make your journey even deeper? There’s a simple truth: life is richer when there’s love in it and I don’t just mean self-love, true intimacy.

Though this fear is not just about lifestyle, being single allows you to hide from yourself and remain stagnant, even emotionally stunted.  Relationships bring up our deepest insecurities and shine the light on ‘our ugly” – basically, relationships will stir up almost every emotion under the sun.  

I am no different to any other woman, I have a childhood and past relationship emotional triggers. When I am single they tend to fly under the radar, when I am in a relationship these sensitivities can show up like a corpse rising from the dead, and it can be damn challenging and painful – though immensely liberating if you choose to move through these emotional triggers to heal and create a heart bond with your partner.

Basically, fear is not a good basis for making decisions such as staying single for life. You might wake up one day and find out you no longer enjoy occasional hook-ups or sleeping alone in the house you decorated.. just as you like it… and living the life that you alone created for yourself.

We are social and sharing beings — we like to share our happiness and our misery, our dreams and ambitions, our hopes and yes, our fears. Staying single is perfectly fine for a while, even for a long while. Maybe you just don’t feel like a relationship right now. Maybe you are still healing the wounds from the last one. Or maybe you’ve never been in one and are not sure what to expect.

Whatever the reason, don’t let the “a while” become “forever”. There are very few people for whom staying single is indeed the healthiest and happiest option, yet, most of us need to share our lives with others, share them in a truly intimate, fulfilling way.

Yes, I know –  friends and family are great, and so is a mature, mindful relationship. It’s what can make you the best version of yourself.

So before you dismiss the next guy because his clothes aren’t quite up to par or he lives in a part of town you don’t love, give him a chance to impress you in a meaningful kinda way.

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