The natural and sometimes painful stages of mending your heart
What starts, often ends, and relationships are no exception. Sad as it may be, few are those who find true compatible love with the first person they ever fall into a relationship with. Most of us go through a number of breakups before we find a lasting match, and some of these breakups are easier, others harder, and typically sad.
A breakup, even if you are the one who initiated it, can leave you feeling emotionally wounded and these wounds need time to heal.You may have heard that there are six stages of grief or maybe you haven’t, either way, when you’re going through the motions, when you’re heart is hurting, sometimes it’s not easy to consciously realise that most often the feelings you’re experiencing are simply part of the breakup journey.
Basically, the healing process happens over six stages and when you ‘re aware of these stages, it makes this time much easier to cope with and move on.
The truth of the matter is that the landscape of dating has changed – with increased opportunity comes more confusion and uncertainty. The app or online world of dating has created a huge platform for compatible love, which is incredible, and yet… it’s also breeding more and more uncertainly in how we experience attraction, love and commitment.
We now live in a world where people have become increasingly changeable and unpredictable than ever, which can come as a shock and can be emotionally challenging to handle.
Connections and feelings can be shared between two people, all seems to be developing nicely, and then out of nowhere one of the people will ghost (disappear)…
Why? Because they can…
Most people are looking for their eternal soulmate and the Grass is Greener Syndrome is more prevalent than ever – unknowingly most people looking for love are subconsciously conditioning themselves to find that “perfect” yet often elusive relationship. Because of this we are pickier than ever and are often not aware that we have become so.
Even those in relationships, rather than learning and understanding their partner better, rather than going within and looking at ways to build a deeper connection with another, they believe that moving on just might be easier, they think they’re missing out and may find themselves tantalised by the possibilities of Tinder.
And yes, this is certainly true in some cases, some people are legitimately incompatible with their mate, though most people emotionally put their heads in the sand and rather quit than wholeheartedly commit. This means that as brilliant as internet dating, because you can’t poo poo MASS OPPORTUNITY, choice is never a bad thing, though you also have to know that it’s breading judgmental dating and leaving people feeling broken hearted.
Because while it’s important to hold out for someone truly “magical” for you often we can be too quick to judge and end something that may have been amazing if you just gave it more time.
Why am I sharing this?
Well… it’s simple…
You don’t have to be in a long-term relationship to experience grief. You can meet someone and date for a little while, then it ends, perhaps as a result of the Grass Is Greener syndrome and still be left attached to what you though it could be, and left to dust yourself off and get back on the horse (the love horse).
So how do you rise above this and remain optimistic?
Well, understanding the six stages of grief will help you heal, become stronger and also make you more resilient so that you can grab the abundant opportunities technology provides so that you can remain open hearted to finding that special partner.
6 Stages of Grief To Move on After A Breakup
- WTF! It’s over. I’m In Shock.
A breakup is often a shock for both partners. The more unexpected the breakup is, or if there was some abuse or infidelity at play, then often the worse the emotional tug of way and shock — moving on from this kind of breakup can be difficult. This initial shock of the breakup can be confusing. You can’t believe it’s happening. You can’t believe you and your man have split (even if you knew it was coming). Is it all your fault? Did you fall short of his expectations? Did you do things wrong? Was I a fool?
This is the worst road you can take. A breakup is usually the result of both people feeling unhappy together or someone making a sometimes poor decision, it’s not about either of them being at fault. Getting through a breakup begins by realizing this and resisting the urge to make it all about any one thing being all your fault or all his fault. Sure, taking responsibility for your part is important though blame and shame isn’t.
- This is Not Happening. What I’m Single Now?
Denial is the big brother of the initial shock. When you split with someone, the pain is very real and sometimes very strong. You lived with this guy, after all, and it was good. How can you just accept that your life together is over? How do you move on?
Well, initially you don’t. After the shock you naturally refuse to accept that you’ve broken up. You refuse to grieve because your tortured mind is telling you this didn’t happen. Things will be alright again. Soon, everything will be back to normal. He’ll want to get back together and he’ll change. Grief causes pain. Nobody likes pain. So we can deny reality
- Maybe Next Time Things Will Work Out
Over time, denial gives way to bargaining. In fact, sometimes these two stages are intermingled because they have so much in common. Both are signals that you are not done with the relationship, or that you don’t want to be done.
So you start looking for ways to revive it, to make it work again. The reason we bargain after a breakup is that same pain we are so terrified of — pain that we can alleviate if we hold on to hope… the hope that it’s not actually over…
You may … promise you will change– or accept his pledges to become a different man—these are just a normal part of the healing process. These bargains rarely work unless the partners really mean what they promise and both people legitimately want the relationship to work. Usually, though, grieving and moving on are the best outcome.
- I’m Not Tolerating This. F*ck Him! F*ck Life!
Good old anger comes when you realize bargaining will not work. You can’t change entirely to make your man happy. He can’t become someone else to please you. Your breakup is a fact and you’re pissed about this fact. You may also hate yourself, your ex, or the world for letting this happen. This is shit!
I have of course experienced all stages of grief and anger is inevitable. The good news is that when you reach the angry stage, you get closer to the end of the whole ordeal. Anger emerges when you start overcoming the fear that causes shock, denial, and bargaining. Understanding and moving through your anger is a good thing, it’s okay, but…
- Nothing Matters Anymore. Life is too hard.
The not so good thing is that anger can morph into depression. After you’ve spent heaps of energy raging against a reality you are having a hard time accepting, you will eventually drain yourself and perhaps lose interest in pretty much everything.
The anger stage can leave you feeling utterly exhausted, incapable of finding a point in doing anything, and, worst of all, hopeless. A breakup can do that to you –instead of feeling instantly free and liberated, you may feel like you will never ever get another shot at love, that you will never ever be happy again, that all men will hurt you, that no man will ever love you completely, or that you’re destined to be single forever…
These are fear-based beliefs that stem from your understanding of your worth and past experiences. Your past does not have to define your future. Create beautiful and empowering stories or mantras about yourself and love – this will help you get past the deep sadness and depressive feelings. Focus on being a victor, not a victim. You can do this.
- There’s Life Beyond the Breakup
Of course you will be happy again! No matter how long each of the stages of grieving invades your psyche, eventually you will reach the calm waters of acceptance. There is life beyond a breakup. There is new love to be experienced and there is happiness.
Acceptance is the stage where you realize that you can move on and leave the past behind — right where it should be. You may have loved them, you had some good times and some bad times, and then it was over. Now you have healed from the wound of the loss and are ready to move on.
What starts, ends, including breakups and grieving!
Here is a takeaway thought – Pressure can turn you into dust or a magnificent diamond. Make inner peace with the breakup process and be the diamond!
Find your sparkle,
Nadine x
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