Proceed with open eyes and caution…

As much as I think many men desire a loving and intimate relationship and I like to be “pro” men as men really are sensitive and most deeply desire intimacy, there is a type of man that women need to stay away from: The sociopath.

One of the first signs that you’re seeing a sociopath is that you may feel anxious around them, and even though on the surface they seem like they’re healthy enough… something feels OFF, something isn’t matching up.  And as much as you try to work out what’s amiss – you just can’t put your finger on what’s wrong, so you shrug it off and continue to see them.

These men tend to me the charmers. They are typically good-looking or have money or pretend they do. They know how to smooth talk themselves out of almost any situation. And most of all, they can charm, manipulate and deceive themselves into your life.

Women can stay hooked to this kind of man for years.  To the unknowing woman, their behaviour is alluring and confusing and most will stay with this type of man up until the time they finally realise that they’re not going insane, they’re in fact dating a sociopath.

If you have a hunch that you’re dating a sociopath, but you’re not completely sure what you should be looking for then keep your eyes open for these signs:

He’s a social chameleon. He seems to be into anything you’re into. Whether it’s books, art, fantasy, sports… You name it, and he’s as into it as you are. At first you’d be delighted that you’ve found someone who has the same interests as you. But as you go get to know him better, you realize that he’s slowly changing into someone else.

He showers you with tons of attention. He’s the first text you get in the morning and the last one you get at night. He’s always there with you, whether you asked him to join you or not. He’s starting to border on clingy and needy, but sometimes his gestures can be sweet (if not a little over the top). For instance, he’s bombarding you with messages, calls, gifts and flowers.

To someone who has never experienced this, it can be flattering. But in time, these outward displays of affection can become overwhelming and suffocating.

He manipulates you with love. Manipulation can be tricky since those who are manipulated may only realize this when it’s too late. The sociopath may use your love for him to make you do what you don’t want to do.

One way he can do this is by asking you to constantly prove how much you love him by having sex with him, giving him money or just doing whatever it is that he wants you to do. Another way he can manipulate you with love is by being abusive, but still insisting that he’s sorry and that he loves you. This is one of the techniques that abusive people use on their partners in order to convince their partners to stay.

He changes throughout the course of your relationship. In the beginning, he’s the almost perfect guy. After a while, he can be a little on edge or he may have a bit of an anger issue. Later on, you start to notice that the perfect guy is slowly making way for a guy who’s manipulative, abusive, angry or just really creepy. You then realize that the guy you’re with now is a completely different guy from the one you started dating, and you were too blind with infatuation and love to see the changes happening (you were confused).

He shows no remorse for what he’s done. If he has hurt you or done something to offend you, he doesn’t seem to show any signs that he’s sorry. Even if he does manage to say sorry, he says it not because he means it, but because he just wants to placate you. You may even notice the remorseless behaviour in his interactions with other people by refusing to apologize for things that are obviously his fault.  Or he will blame you or suggest that you’re jealous and making things up in your mind that are not real, everything will be your mistake or issue.

My first experience of this was with a guy I dated when I was 18. He was 30 and he was very good at shifting the blame onto me.  I knew something was “off” and a pattern started to reveal itself.  He was a master as twisting things and after being “bitten” a few times I was wise enough to realise that he was playing an emotional game with me.

He refuses to share your attention. It’s sweet when a guy wants you all to himself, but you know that’s impossible. You have other responsibilities, too. But to him, every person you talk to seems to be a threat. He tells you that he doesn’t like your friends. He tells you to quit your job because he thinks your boss is a jerk. He hates it when you’re out of his sight or out of his reach.

He has very few real friends. He’s not a complete loner, but he doesn’t seem to have any friends whom he can really confide in. Sociopaths usually don’t seek out the affection or companionship of other people unless these people have something useful to offer him. Everyone needs at least one close friend, but if he doesn’t have any long-term quality friends then there must be something erroneous going on with him.

I know of a woman who’s wedding I attended and this lady would often “cry victim” with all of her relationships, she was always arguing with her family, friends and colleagues. The strange thing was that I hadn’t seen her for about a year as we’d had a falling out and even though I was bewildered that she asked me to her wedding, after some thought I decided to attend.  What was even stranger was none of her family knew her friends!!! 90% of her so-called friends were new friends and 80% of them are no longer friends with her. Interesting, right?

She goes through friends quicker than a change of season – and everyone else is the problem. She’s incredible at luring people in, yet does not have the ability to maintain a lasting connection on a personal or professional level. (We are no longer in contact, thank goodness, nothing in particular happened, I simply decided to extract myself).

As you can see, both men and women can have sociopathic traits so pay attention to the company you keep, regardless of gender.

Spotting a sociopath off the bat can be tough. You need to know them a little better before you realize that something is off. So once you spot any combination of the above signs, beware! Cut your ties and very gently pry yourself away from his/her clutches.

** Have you dated or are you dating a sociopath?  Please share with me your personal story below the blog in the comments.

~ Nadine Piat