There was once a time when I dated a guy who seemed to be the ideal man for me. We had the same taste in almost everything. We seemed to want the same things. We listened to the same music. We could spend hours upon hours just talking, reflecting, and we also had a great physical connection. Everything seemed perfect… and then out of the blue it was over. Healing after a breakup can be so difficult.
We were only dating for about three months and it felt like if I’d found Mr. Right, though as much as he loved spending time with me he felt insecure about his future. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life, he was thinking of changing career, and he also had some debt. Instead of working through his insecurities and communicating his concerns, he began to feel worse, and so we went our separate ways.
So why was I left feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest?
Why did it feel like I lost my best friend, when in fact, we were only together for a couple of months, and were still relatively strangers?
It’s not the number of months or years you dated for that matters – it’s the quality of your relationship, your understanding of self-love, and the reason why it ended that determines how badly you’ll take the breakup.
I have known many women who take a relationship break up to heart (as I did with this one for a short while), and are left feeling dejected for months, if not years! Such grave feelings are largely avoidable while healing after a breakup. Yes, emotions will rise, though these feelings do not have to stay with you for a long period of time. This is why I wanted my readers to know that there are some key healthy healing habits that can support them to move through a break up quickly allowing to get back to being themselves again, or feeling even better than ever before!
The most common breakup advice is that there is no one cure-all for heartbreak, actually that’s not true! There is one cure and that’s SELF-LOVE inclusive of self-belief (as I touched on above). Though most people don’t know what that really means, so here is a list of 10 things for healing after a breakup that you can do to heal your heart after getting it shattered:
- Grieve, and then get moving. Tempting as it may be to lie in bed and reminisce or even feel sorry for yourself for days, you have to process your pain,really feel it, and then stand up. Understand that it’s over. You can’t bring back your relationship by constantly thinking about it. Give yourself a good cry (or 20), and once that’s done, try to get back into the scheme of things. Allocate a period of time to feel like crap (the duration of grieving will depend on how long you were together and what the breakup was about), a week or a few weeks is enough time to feel terrible, then make a conscious decision to heal and get yourself over it. You can wallow or you can develop your wings and fly!
- Don’t be tempted by rebound relationships. When you engage in a new relationship too soon after your previous ones, you might be bringing your past unresolved issues into this new relationship. By covering up your pain and sadness with the passion of a new romance, your issues will remain unresolved, and they’ll just stack up and haunt you!
- Get therapy. Seeking the help of a professional is not a weakness. In fact, being brave enough to admit that you need help is a strength in itself. Your therapist can help guide you towards acceptance and healing and learning from the situation. Did you avoid some “red flags”, did you care about each other yet you were still incompatible, did you want different things, were you needy, did you want too much too soon, are you attracted to a “type” that’s not healthy for you? Find out how you can learn, grow and find someone more suited to you.
- Meditate. By grounding and centering yourself, you can fully experience what’s happening in the present without clinging onto the past or daydreaming or fearing the future. Meditation helps you heal by making you aware of what’s happening right now and by allowing you to clear your mind of all the baggage the breakup has brought. Meditation is scientifically proven to help clear the mind and heal the body. There’s good reason why some western countries have now included meditation as part of a medical degree.
- Back yourself up. Don’t beat yourself up just because someone didn’t want to be in a relationship with you. That should never lessen your value. Just accept that this person was not a match for you. Know within your heart that you are a wonderful person who deserves love, especially from yourself. Cheer for your own team, and the love of another man will find its way to you. There is no such a thing as ONE person in the world for you, many people who will be compatible with you, never forget this.
- Celebrate you. So what if you’ve been dumped? Or maybe you did the dumping or it was a mutual decision. You know what that means? New opportunities are around the corner for you. One door closes and another opens. Trust that this path is perfect for you. Look at yourself in the mirror and look past the tears and eye bags; see a woman who is strong enough to get through a breakup. See a woman who can rise from this event with more strength and confidence than ever before!
- Own your shit. Stop beating yourself up over a failed relationship. Use this even to propel you forward in life and inspire you to change. Use this incident to strive and be better in any aspect of your life (as per point 3). Don’t blame yourself or them. Be gentle self-loving. Don’t be personal or take anything personally. See this break up and a gift.
- Move your body and mind. A lot of people “lose” themselves in a relationship… Some lose contact with friends, their health, hobbies and interests. There is no better feeling or no better way to feel alive and engaged in your life than by exercising, moving your body and spending time doing things you love to do. You can start by learning new things, trying a new sport, studying something new or even rising up in your career. The possibilities are endless!
- Hug someone. Hugs release oxytocin, which is the wonder hormone for forging deeper intimacy and love between people. Sure, you’ve letting go of one person in your life, but that doesn’t mean you have to forget about everyone else. The oxytocin you release when you hug your friends and family can help increase your feelings of optimism, safety and allow you to realise that kindness, warmth and care amongst the people you love can be soothing and healing. Try some 20+ second hugs. It works.
- Do something that scares you. You think the fear of being alone after breaking up is bad? Try jumping out of a plane with only a parachute to catch your fall. It doesn’t even have to be that extreme. Facing your fears can be liberating and open you up to new possibilities and experiences.
Getting over a breakup can be tricky. Healing after a breakup may not come easy as a breakup is a big change that takes some time to adjust to. But with these healthy healing habits, you can rise up from the situation and propel yourself towards a better life. Let this event mark the moment you decided to take hold of the situation and make your life richer, more energising and clear of confusion and doubt!
Believe in you and the rest will follow!
~ Nadine Piat