Recently my client told me about a guy she had been out on a few dates with. Things had been developing nicely and on the fourth date she admitted to getting a bit “naughty” with him. I knew she was implying that something of a sexual nature had taken place, though I wasn’t sure what she actually meant, specifically, so I asked her to elaborate.
She shared that their kissing soon progressed into something a little hot and heavy on the couch. There was no intimate sex involved, though let’s just say, hands were everywhere. On reflection, she was concerned that they were perhaps moving too fast and she hoped that this “naughty” moment didn’t change things between her and her new guy.
My conversation with her got me wondering as to why we use certain terms when it comes to talking about our sexuality? Then it dawned on me that I too have used words like, “bad”, “nasty”, and “naughty” when referring to things of a sexual nature.
But why? Where did these often-derogatory terms come from in relation to an act that is natural and lovely when shared between two consenting adults?
Sure, using words like, “Baby, let’s get naughty”, or “Do you want me to be a bad girl?”, can be fun ways to flirt with your significant other. BUT, why do so many women feel as though they need to label their sexual behavior as “naughty”, which creates a somewhat dis empowered and guilty association to their sexual desires and actions?
So let’s talk about it…
If you were to look up the definition of the term naughty, you’d find that it means to be disobedient or badly behaved. It can also mean mildly indecent in relation to sex.
If you were to define sex it is the physical action between two people in which intercourse takes place – for the purpose of reproducing and/or sharing intimacy between two people.
So essentially, sex is a natural occurrence between two people for the purposes of sharing intimacy and reproducing. Without it… this special and deep level of intimacy cannot be felt and obviously there be no human race.
So how then can something that is meant for good and natural purposes be portrayed as something raunchy, bad, nasty, or naughty? Let’s dig a bit deeper.
Factors that Contribute to Unhealthy Views on Intimate Sex for women:
How we view things is generally based on a few factors – our upbringing, cultural and our personal experiences.
- Your Parents – often referred to as the first teachers in your life, give you a foundation from which to live by. Their understanding of life, views, and beliefs (morals) naturally shape how we will carry ourselves. So if you lived in a household where your parents told you that sex was a bad thing to try until you’ve gotten married, ultimately you will feel bad about entertaining intimate sex.
- Your Religious Leaders – Most religions regard sex as something that is to be avoided at all costs. It is a common belief that you should only encounter sex and intimacy in marriage. If you grew up with a strong religious foundation, engaging in any form of sex or intimacy is not only viewed as something bad, but also something that is a sin in the eyes of your god. This can place a lot of pressure on a woman, hence why many women are neither truly connected to nor confident with their sexuality.
Reasons Sex and Intimacy is Not a “Bad” Thing
Sex is a natural act that is supposed to take place at some point in your life. While the words bad and naughty can often be used in a playful manner, they can also be dis empowering and affect you on a subconscious level.
As I’ve mentioned, when it comes to foreplay and sex, playful banter if part of seduction and arousal, at the same time I think it’s important for women to be empowered and confident with their sexuality, sensuality and sexual choices.
Every woman deserves to experience love and pleasure, married or not, though not all women do and your relationship with sex, conscious or not, could be something that’s standing in the way of the sexual and romantic intimacy you hunger for.
Further to that, sex does not mean love, it is a form of intimacy, though true intimacy reaches to the core. It is essentially a deeper, physical and emotional connection between two people. While it should not be the, be all, end all, a relationship without empowered intimacy are sure to suffer.
Questions to Determine Whether Sex is Good or Naughty (For You)
Now that you have the basics, it’s time to focus on you and what you’re comfortable with as it pertains to sex. Remember, you’re a grown woman now, and while you may have respect for your parents and religious leaders, ultimately, the choice is up to you, and no one, should be able to make you feel bad because of your decision. Here are three questions to ask yourself:
- Am I Comfortable?
At the moment when you decide to be flirtatious, get involved in a little foreplay, or even take things a step further and have penetrative sex, ask yourself if you’re really comfortable doing it? Are you ready on an emotional and even spiritual level? Are you physically comfortable with performing the act or does it make you feel uncomfortable (and why)? Or, are you’re doing it with the hopes of making a guy fall in love?
As I’ve stated before sex does not mean love, and therefore if this is your answer, then you’re really not comfortable with the idea.
- Am I Prepared for Whatever May Follow?
You may have good intentions when it comes to showing intimacy or having sex with someone, but you must ask yourself, are you really prepared for whatever may follow? You may find that while you are head over heels for a guy and decide to have sex, he may not be ready to commit to you. Are you prepared to deal with that? Of course there are sexual health and pregnancy factors to consider too.
Yes, some women can have sex in a casual fashion and in a way that does not go against themselves. They are genuinely comfortable with this kind of relaxed or even “casual” connection. This will not apply to all women. Be clear about what you truly want, rather than simply acting on superficial arousal and desire.
- Does This Go Against My Core Beliefs?
If you’re strongly grounded in your religious beliefs, and waiting for sex and intimacy in marriage is what you believe to be right for you, then you’ll need to ask yourself some questions – What are my limits as it pertains to my beliefs? Is flirting okay? Kissing? Touching?
So there you have it, the pros and the cons of sex. While it is certainly a good thing in a natural and physical sense, it can be risky for you if you’re not comfortable nor prepared, or it goes against your core beliefs.
With that in mind I urge you to take your time in making the decision to be intimate. It’s important to have sex when you feel safe and secure. As you know sex doesn’t mean love, therefore when you decide to engage it should be for all the “right” reasons for you.
You’re a grown woman with your own mind and opinions, so if sex if what you want then OWN it and be comfortable in your decision to ‘get it on’.
If you do feel naughty about it or you feel like you’re being a “bad girl” – then check in and see if that’s conditioning talking or if the situation is not healthy for you. If not, wait until you’re ready – this applies to women of every age.
Honor your body, honor you and make peace with your sexuality and erotic self.