I have a friend, a beautiful, smart woman, who’s been happily married for years. So it came as a surprise when she burst out and told me she’s sick and tired of her husband not doing anything around the house. Wait, I said, don’t you share your chores? She said yes, but only if she reminds him.
What a classic.
If you ask a man why his girlfriend or wife is grumpy, many will probably say “Women! They don’t know what they want. They’re never happy!”
Well, the truth is, we do know what we want. Most people, though, men and women, don’t always know how to ask for the things they want.
It’s funny, when you think about it, because science says women are much better at communicating than men. But does this mean we are always and invariably better at telling our man what we want? It seems not.
Many of us often feel that if the man they love knows them well enough, he should be able to feel our desires and act accordingly, don’t we? It would be so good if men just listened… to our thoughts. Oh, well, maybe not all our thoughts, of course, just the ones that have to do with, say, taking out the rubbish or doing the dishes.
Is this possible? Unless you have direct proof that your man is a mind-reader, I’d say you better stop wishing he’ll turn into one. There are much better ways to get what you want in a relationship.
What do men really want in a relationship? Chances are many of them just want one small thing: for their girlfriend to stop nagging.
No, honestly, men really, really don’t like nagging.
There are much bigger sins they would forgive probably, if they could be spared the hint-dropping, pursed lips, and the unhappy, disappointed face they sometimes get from us.
The secret to a happier, more loving relationship is simple: open, honest communication.
Women do indeed tend to be better at communication (so we’re told). The trouble is men often have a different concept of good communication. For most of them, it is the same thing as open communication – this means being direct and clear, not dropping hints and hoping he’ll catch your drift.
Here are three things to remember to help you along:
1. He’d love to be able to read your thoughts but he can’t.
There are sure to be lots of reasons why you love your boyfriend, and lots of reasons why he loves you. All of these reasons are great – they make the foundation of your relationship. He’d also do anything for you because there are so many reasons for him to be with you…
But try hard as he might, he can’t read thoughts. Don’t take it personally.
Accept the fact that he doesn’t know what you’re thinking and feeling all of the time. This acceptance will feel as though a great burden has lifted off your shoulders. Expectations ruin relationships so let the expectations go.
2. Give his ears a break.
When we break a pattern we need to do so consistently. If you feel your man has distanced himself from you or tunes out when you nag, then he probably has. If he doesn’t think he can make you happy, he’ll give up. Spend some time getting clearer about what you really want and by doing this you’ll give him some space to breathe. Once you know what you truly want, you can then articulate this more effectively. Also, in the mean time let him know what you actually like about him. What he does that you appreciate and what you love and value in your relationship. Men like to be your hero, not the pain in your backside.
3. Direct Language Will Make You Happier (end the frustration for both of you)
Many people in relationships develop the ability to understand each other with just a look or a gesture. This is not just romantic, it’s a sign of the deep emotional intimacy between the two of you. But even with this level of intimacy, you still tell each other “I love you,” don’t you?
Now imagine a time when you said “I love you” and saw how his face lit up before he said “I love you too”. Next time the rubbish needs taking out, instead of sitting quietly hoping he’ll notice, tell him (perhaps with a kiss?)“Would you take the rubbish out honey?” Don’t add anything like “before it invents the wheel” or “if it’s not too much work”. Irony has no place in open communication. Be direct. And see his face light up when he says “Sure.”
Do you want to know what happened with my friend?
She started telling her husband directly what she wanted. It worked like a charm and they are now even more in love than they were before.
Don’t be scared to ask for what you want. When you stop nagging, you can then be more authentic and more effective. This will save you unnecessary frustration and make your relationship stronger and more intimate.
MORE: Want to know EXACTLY HOW to get more of what you want through clear and graceful communication? >> HERE <<
P.S. Please share with me your comments below the blog. I would love to know how often you catch yourself nagging or how you managed to stop doing it and how it changed your relationship and you.
~ Nadine Piat