Good manners matter. From the time we’re children up until we reach old age, we know that watching our P’s and Q’s and good manners spell the difference between being seen as uncouth and being seen as a respectable individual. Of course, there may be times when we forget our “manners”, but it’s okay as long as we don’t repeat the same behavior over and over again.
The only problem with watching your p’s and q’s, however, is being so fixated on being proper and what you think is “perfect” behaviour, that it could be repelling men instead of attracting men AND stopping you from finding love.
In this day and age, people are confused in the love department – Should I show my true colors from the get-go, or will I get the perfect relationship by hiding behind a mask of extreme politeness, or a mask of what and who I think men want? Of course, being polite and well mannered should always be kept in mind, but doing so too much can hurt your chances of being able to find a partner who can see you for who you are and value your quirks and uniqueness.
1. Trying to be someone you’re not will attract people to your mask, and not to the real you.
Sometimes we can invest so much energy in an attempt to put our best foot forward, or by pretending to be someone we’re not, to attract the person we like. We try to subdue the stronger points of our personality so as not to scare away anyone who might be attracted to us. We try to gravitate towards being agreeable and being someone who we think the person we want to attract would like. However, there should be a point where we can find a compromise between remaining true to ourselves and still being agreeable enough.
For instance, the guy you like may be really into football or he fancies very feminine women. Sure, you can feign interest in football or pretend to be super girly, but at the end of the day, you’re just making him fall for the mask you’ve put up. Later on, you could find that you keep putting on that mask and end up stumbling upon conflicting ways of thinking and living. You may not feel like you can be yourself and natural, and instead of a connection building you end up feeling uncomfortable and unhappy around each other!
Wearing a mask is exhausting and blocks authentic attraction. By working on being the best YOU can be, not who you think you should be, will allow real attraction to form naturally instead of forcing it to happen through a series of elaborate facades! No two people have identical tastes, so there’s not one perfect way any woman should be to find love. Two women can like COMPLETELY different types of men. Men are the same! You will not find love while you’re trying to be someone you’re NOT.
2. Extreme politeness can viewed as a woman with no commitment to herself.
We’re told that it’s not very polite to outright disagree with someone when they’re stating their opinion. It can turn into a disagreement that boils over into an argument. However, being too agreeable in order to be polite and liked can also be misinterpreted or mistaken for being a pushover or woman with no backbone (the dreaded doormat position). And with too much politeness in your speech and gestures, the person you’re with might think that you don’t have an opinion, that you’re not interested in the topic, or that you’re disengaged or even lackluster.
If you think you can be mistaken for someone who’s too passive, what you can do is try to practice using statements of disagreement in a polite manner. For instance, instead of just saying “no” you can use statements like the following:
- Sorry, I’m not entirely comfortable with this.
- I appreciate your opinion, tell me more as I have a different perspective on it that I’d love to hear your thoughts on.
- I’m willing to try, yet not agree to like it
- I don’t think this is something I want to do.
- Sorry. I’ve made up my mind about this (for situations when the person you’re with is insistent)
There are rulebooks for how one should behave in public, starting from how to say things, when to say them and how to act around other people. However, if you were to meticulously follow every single rule in those books, you’d be like a walking talking embodiment of a Cardboard Cutout/Stepford Wife. Finding love and finding great love doesn’t take place unless there is a strong element of the organic you! You will then inspire a man to be himself too!
You have a personality! You have thoughts, ideas, feelings and opinions! Hiding them behind a veil of politeness and/or pretense makes you seem like you have nothing to offer people who would be more attracted to the real you (they just can’t see it).
Read more: 4 Dating Disasters All Women Should Avoid
3. Everyone is likeable in their own way.
With the media telling you that guys like this type of girl and that type of girl, women may be inclined to change who they are in order to try to fit into the cookie cutter shape of the woman that all men would fall for. However, as you may already know, you can’t please everybody. People have different tastes and it’s impossible to cater to all of them!
Instead of forcing yourself to turn into what you think constitutes as an attractive woman, look within you and use your own inherent traits. The personality you’ve cultivated is your own and there’s bound to be someone out there whose idea of a great catch is you! You can use your feminine charms to attract a guy or you can use your vast knowledge of all things geeky to pique a man’s interest and find love. When you find someone who likes you for who you are, there’s no need to exert the extra effort to put on a mask!
Putting your best foot forward in dating is fine. Everybody does need to be dating savvy! But what you should avoid doing is trying too hard to turn into someone else just for the sake of a guy’s interest…
Contorting yourself to be an apple when you’re a raspberry is not what I’d call etiquette or the way to find love – the lasting kind. That’s forcing, not flowing. Have faith in your own traits and allow this to shine through and you’ll find someone who will like you as you are, quirks and all!
~ Nadine Piat x (Please share your comments below the blog, just scroll down)
P.S. Make finding love easier by being YOURSELF and loving who you are!
P.P.S. It can take time to find the man for you. It will happen MUCH FASTER when you’re relating and dating from a big picture perspective.