He says, “He DOESN’T Want a Relationship” – What Does That Mean?

He says, “He DOESN’T Want a Relationship” – What Does That Mean?

Please listen carefully and never forget this

When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship it means; HE DOES NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP now or with you… SIMPLE!

A man tells you more about who he is and what he wants in the first two weeks of knowing him than he probably will in the proceeding weeks.  And unfortunately most women do not listen and pay attention to these clear indicators.

To all the broken-hearted women out there who fell for the unavailable man – cry if you need to, grieve him and the fantasy, and then quickly move on to an empowered place of self-love and new love.

It’s time to really get this valuable love lesson, and not only for your emotional wellbeing, this lesson will astronomically move you closer to REAL love, the kind of love that feels really good!

NOT… good, bad, good, terrible, painful, good, painful… that’s not how love is supposed to feel.

he doesn t want a relationship

To make this all the more confusing; some men treat women well in general, even the women they sleep with yet don’t see a future with.  Most women assume that because he’s nice to her that he may want something more after all.

A good guy will tell you if he only wants something casual – what you do with that information is the difference between – frustration and hurt AND finding real commitment and love.

Women make a huge mistake by thinking one or more of the following:

  • He’ll change his mind once he spends more time with me
  • If the sex is good enough and I please him enough he’ll commit to me
  • He’ll be ready for a relationship soon and I’ll be right here, cause I’m kind of like his girlfriend anyway
  • He’s so nice to me it must mean he likes me

The moment a guy tells you he doesn’t want a relationship, although he likes you enough to “hang out”, BUT not interested in anything serious is the moment that defines all…

Why would a healthy minded, high value, gorgeous woman hang out with a man when he doesn’t want a relationship, WHEN SHE DOES?

Sometimes the guy you’re spending time with may really like you, although the timing is terrible; he’s just broken up with someone and/or is still emotionally attached.  Some men won’t feel ready for commitment when certain areas of their life are not as they would like it to be, such as; not happy with his career, lost his job, not divorced yet, doesn’t feel as though he’s financial successful enough for something serious, etc.

It’s still the same thing – he doesn’t feel ready, therefore he does not want a committed relationship right now. Sure, he may want to spend time with you, though it will be on his terms.

Here are my tips for you:

  1. Thank him for being upfront and honest
  2. Decide if you want something casual or not
  3. If you’re open to something casual you must know that that’s what it is.  Casual. Nothing more.
  4. If not, be his friend only.  Do not sleep with him.  If he wants you in his life he needs to sort himself out.
  5. Have NO expectations.  He may never sort himself or be ready.
  6. Do NOT fantasize what it be like to be with him – he could be a terrible partner, so do not make up a story of how amazing he is.  You don’t know that.  Which leads to my next point…
  7. You have your own life and catch up with him when it suits you only, he is NOT your priority
  8. Date other men and do this properly, as your priority. Be OPEN to someone who’s ready for a relationship.
  9. If you cannot spend time with him without having a strong yearning to be with him, or deep down you’re hoping that he’ll change his mind, then don’t see him or speak to him at all.  Women make a regular habit of torturing themselves.  Do not see him.  Move on. You have to trust that if he’s right for you, he will sort himself out and pursue you later.  Hanging around like a bad smell doesn’t give him space to sort himself out.  You’re still there HANGING ON to whatever he’ll give you.

The man worth your time is a man you feel emotionally and physically safe around.  We all know when we don’t feel this, even if we pretend or make excuses, we know!  (*Side note – this applies to men with women too)

A man who’s interested in a relationship with you will:

  • Be happy to wait a while before having sex
  • Wants to see you during the day, not just at night (or not just for a quickie)
  • You may not have sex every time you see him (it’s not all about sex)
  • He will want to see you on Friday and/or Saturday nights  (before 9pm!)
  • After a few months he wants you to meet his friends and family
  • He’ll talk about what you can do together in the future
  • He’ll introduce you as his girlfriend (not as a “friend”)

So to all of the wonderful women who have fallen for Mr. Non-Commital, the lesson is; listen and hear what he has said, pay attention to his actions, and when you know something isn’t feeling quite right then it probably isn’t.

Be strong enough to walk away from someone who doesn’t want the same things as you, and do so earlier rather than later.

You’re better off single and available for the right guy, not the guy who you want to be the right guy.

Nadine x

MORE: If you’re ready to meet the right guy and you want to make sure you NEVER again get hooked to Mr. Wrong then this will make sure you never suffer from unnecessary heartache again =>  Get the love you want and deserve

Nadine Piat

Nadine is a Professional Coach, Writer, Speaker and the Founder of Healthy You Healthy Love. Nadine's mission is to inspire women to live a life full of love and inner peace!


  • Sonia M.
    May 22, 2013 2:05 pm

    Oh, I agree. How many of us have fantasized a fairy tale looking for a knight and shining armor. because of this fantasy we tend to close their mind trying hoping that their men will change their mind and will love them all the way if they will show them their love and give their all though in reality their men never commit to them and just want their company for their physical needs, then in the end they have to experience devastation first before they realized they will never get what they desire to have with the man they love. It’s only later in life that I have found this out and now it might be too late, well, I believe it isn’t too late, but I do think about the opportunities that I might have missed along the way because I was being too fussy.

  • Rachel
    June 18, 2013 5:34 pm

    This applies to women also. I have given myself one year from my divorce before I begin looking for a relationship. The few dates I’ve accepted, the men don’t believe ME when I say I don’t want a relationship. I kindly explain I’m healing myself, studying where I went wrong and how to improve myself before moving onto a relationship. I’m clear and upfront with them when accepting the date so there is no surprise but they too don’t listen. I think this is human nature.


  • Jasmine Ava
    July 5, 2013 4:09 am

    That’ true Nadine. If he is not ready for a relationship or is not there for you, then he is not worthy your time and doesn’t deserve you. Make an informed decision as a woman and get on quickly because you have other things to do. On the way, you will meet the person who deserves your heart. l do believe deeply in my heart that God has chosen a right pair for each and everyone of us.

  • Emily Sienna
    July 9, 2013 7:33 am

    Hi Nadine,

    Precisely put, if he doesn’t want a relationship with you, then he isn’t into you and you should leave him alone and move on, one day you will meet that person who deserves your heart.’Please don’t waste your precious time revolving around him and expecting him to change, if not now he won’t change in the foreseeable future.

  • Julie Parra
    October 9, 2013 3:05 pm

    This is such a well put article! I completely agree. Us women fantasize way too much. And like many, I make myself believe that if I stick around anyway knowing that he doesn’t want a relationship, and I spend time with him he will get used to me and want to be in a relationship. However, this is a terrible idea because it only makes us get more attached and it’s so much harder to move on.

    • Nadine Piat
      December 10, 2013 8:38 pm

      Julie thank you and you’re so right… emotionally attaching ourselves to an unavailable man is crazy and painful… it doesn’t feel safe, it doesn’t feel fulfilling… it feels like somethin’ and nothin’ all mixed together…

      And it is “somethin'”… it’s a casual relationship… it’s a going nowhere connection… so it’s “nothin'”

      Very few of these types of connections evolve into something more. I have seen it happen although most often both people were very clear that it was casual… neither one wanted anything more at that time and over time it became something serious. Both people were on the same page!

  • Christalyn Pagente
    October 18, 2013 3:23 am

    Yes, this is much very true. Girls tend not to listen and like to hear what she wanted to hear and it usually hurts her. It’s always been this way, that’s why women always think they get broken heart. We assume too much. It’s now time to listen then move on.

  • Raven
    December 15, 2013 2:07 pm

    You know what Nadine? I think that women are masochists.

    And maybe not totally a woman’s fault she is one. My theory is that society has depicted women as long-suffering, resilient, the person responsible in ensuring that all pieces of the puzzle gel together. Another trait that society has imposed upon women to picture her as someone desirable is that she should be patient and kind…can do pretzel-like positions when it comes to sex, knit sweaters, a great cook, carry the baby on her right while she irons clothes with her left. And if she has an extra arm, give her lover a sensual massage and coo sweet words in his ears. 😀

    Seriously, at the very heart of her heart, I think a woman knows what the real deal is. It is the sad denial of the real truth and believing in what she thought she wants to happen that makes it complicated for most women to step out of a relationship that is obviously going nowhere.
    I think women are so enamoured with the idea of ‘happily ever after’ and anyone resembling a knight with armour even if it is a rusty one is a potential Prince Charming.

    So despite the obvious and having to suffer from pain and low self-esteem, women tend to turn a blind eye . And at night when all the lights are out and everything is still she would perhaps say a softly spoken prayer that tomorrow is a new day; that tomorrow brings hope and promise…Maybe tomorrow will bring changes.

    I know I am a bit sarcastic but I find this the harsh truth. How many times have women faced situations when she is not happy, when her security is threatened, when her worth as a person is being demolished? And in each situation how many women ran for dear life at the very first sign?

    So I think despite knowing it’s time to move on, women would often times stall, hesitate…until she finds herself in a rut too difficult for her to escape…

    On the other side of the spectrum – the female sex is the most courageous. Because just when everyone thinks that she is sucked down the drain, she rises and fights back.

    I like what Nadine said – “Be strong enough to walk away from someone who isn’t wanting the same things as you, and do so earlier rather than later…You’re better off single and available for the right guy, not the guy who you want to be the right guy.”

    January 17, 2014 1:35 am

    I am really short of words, can’t finally believe i got my boyfriend back this is my testimony about the man that brought back my man Nadine, she gave me the heart and confident to trust in him within the period of 3 days right now we are living happily and getting very ready and set for our wedding, i am so much happy knowing full well there are real, true spell casters who can really make things happen within the shortest possible time.

  • Nisha Polk
    April 8, 2014 8:28 pm

    Wow, this article is so on point!! I wish I would of seen it several months ago, it would of saved me a lot of heart ache!!

  • Arienne Nair
    December 17, 2014 2:08 am

    I today ended a situation with a man-boy (he’s in his 40’s) who was very clear that he didn’t want a relationship and yet he kept acting as if he did. Its been going on since October. It wasn’t until today that I had the strength to actually end it and cut off all contact. We were talking nearly everyday and became close or so I thought. It was my fault for not taking what he said in the beginning seriously when he said he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with anyone. I cannot just be friends after all this so I decided to cut off all contact. His response was interesting, when I told he that I was blocking him his response was that’s pretty extreme. Extreme! The idea that I would hang around waiting was laughable.

    • Nadine Piat
      January 3, 2015 10:07 am

      Hi Arienne, How are you going since you wrote your posts? Are you still keeping away from the man who didn’t want a relationship? It’s so important to have healthy boundaries and if he really wants something more serious and committed, he’ll turn things around and want to date you and on your turns. Most importantly you must not go against your boundaries, otherwise he won’t respect them. Also, please don’t take his actions/choices personally, stay true to you, believe in you and you will experience the love you truly desire.

      Also, please don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s okay. You’ve learnt something valuable along the way. You now know what it feels like and you have more of an idea how to navigate this situation if something like this happens again.

  • Arienne Nair
    December 17, 2014 2:12 am

    Sorry for all the typo’s. Nadine, you and Raven and Christine are so very on point on the matter. It is still painful but this is all my doing so I have no one to blame but myself.

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  • Denise
    January 24, 2015 7:56 pm

    I’m glad I stumbled onto this article. I’m facing this situation and it pains me everyday. He doesn’t want a relationship, just sex. I’d love to make it casual with him but this making love but not being in a relationship thing is driving me nuts. I feel sexually attracted to someone if I like him as well, but I can’t seem to separate love and sex.

    A huge part of me wants to carry on with him. I cannot bring myself to stop all contact with him and move on.

    • Nadine Piat
      January 28, 2015 2:25 am

      Hi Denise, You’re not the only woman who finds it difficult to separate love and sex. There are plenty of men who aren’t so good at this either, particularly men over 30 or 35. Sometimes when a woman walks away form a sexual relationship the other person can decide that they do want MORE than just sex with them, though to be honest that’s rare. If you want love then love you’ve got to love you more than you want him to love you. Does that make sense?

      While your spending time with this guy, hoping that he’ll finally come around and see how amazing you are, you’re hurting your chance of finding REAL LOVE. I recently wrote a book about woman and orgasmic pleasure and in one part of the book I share about how strongly linked female pleasure is to feeling safe and secure with our partner/lover. If we don’t feel emotionally supported, or if we want more and a man’s not giving this to us, then it stops sex from feeling really, really good (we can feel worse).

      I hope that you have the courage to be honest with yourself and to authentic in what you truly want (and deserve).

  • Brenda Bee
    February 16, 2015 8:56 am

    Thank You Nadine. I was having a hard time dealing with exactly what this article was about. I’ve made it pretty clear to the guy I am seeing that I wanted more than hair sex. He said “he wasn’t trying to rush things.” He’s 30 yrs old and hasn’t had a gf for 6 yrs. In my mind I’m thinking that we talk everyday, we are intimate, we hang out…it’s basically a relationship! He then told me recently “he wasn’t ready for a relationship. That he still wanted to get to know me because I was a great girl with great qualities. That if I wanted to cut the sex out that we could.” He also throws me off by saying “we are making love”, “I love you when we are making love.” But thanks to your article I feel I know what I have to do now.

    • Nadine Piat
      February 21, 2015 2:18 am

      Hi Brenda,

      Sorry, if the article was not clear to you. Please let me why it was confusing. In the article I do say that this situation can be confusing because some guys are really nice and loving.

      Your guy has said that he’s not looking for a relationship – you are though, with him. He’s not on the same page, he’s confused… so you are the one who cannot be confused. Someone has to break the confusing cycle. Whatever you do do it with grace and clarity… from a self-loving place.

      He could love you and still be confused about what he wants. That’s still not a healthy place for you to be in and while you’re there taking whatever he will give you he doesn’t have to step up.

      What would you tell a good friend to do?

      If you do draw a line in the sand be prepared for him to start wanting you more… it’s human nature and it’s not just men who do this. Know that this does not mean that he wants MORE or a relationship with you. If he does come back then date, take your time, no sex – not until it feels like there is real commitment, not until it feels CONSISTENTLY different.

      Much Love,

  • Katherine
    March 1, 2015 5:55 am

    I’ve been dating a guy off and on for a year. We broke up in October when we both weren’t sure where it was going. He is from England and here on a work visa and is now a permanent resident but has just not been sure if he’s moving back to England. We decided to break up because we just weren’t sure how we felt and we were both holding back because we’ve both been scorched in past relationships. I had been dating other people over the summer and stopped dating others around August or September when I realized I just wanted to be with him. But he didn’t feel that he could commit to a relationship because he was confused about the country thing so we decided to end it before we got into deep.

    Fast forward to November and we started hanging out again and we realized we just wanted to be in the moment with each other and we both realized the repercussions of dating someone who wasn’t the same nationality. I assumed when we started up again we realized that we meant something to each other more than we had realized before.

    Things have been going great and we’re getting closer but I have just been thrown for a loop again when now he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and that he wants his freedom… and he didn’t mention anything about the country. But he did agree to be exclusive with me. He just feels uncomfortable saying it’s a relationship. We talk every day and see each other a few times a week and he wants to take a trip when its warmer. It’s very confusing and I don’t know if this is just him freaking out because he has abandonment issues. Which he does his dad was not really around much growing up and he’s had a bad childhood. But something doesn’t feel right. we have a great time together and have a lot of laughs and we both care about each other quite a bit.

    I don’t know if it’s worth waiting to see if he starts feeling better here in the states or really if it’s not about that at all and more that he just doesn’t want a relationship with ME. he dated an American girl right before me and they had a nasty break up when he realized it was getting serious and he broke up with her because he didn’t know if he was staying or not. But he often refers to her as his ex-girlfriend. I don’t know why he would feel comfortable saying that he was in a relationship with her and not with me.

    • Nadine Piat
      March 1, 2015 6:09 am

      Hi Katherine.

      Thank you for writing…

      To answer your concerns: Fortunately he’s telling you where he’s at, and at the same time it’s unfortunate for you as this is not what you want 🙁

      So you need to check in with your core values and get very clear about what you want.

      It seems you have 4 obvious options.

      1. Thank him for his honesty and end it, which will allow you to meet someone who’s ready for love and commitment.
      2. Thank him for his honesty and be his exclusive sex buddy with NO commitment.
      3. Thank him for his honesty, still be physically involved, and date other men too.
      4. Thank him for his honesty and remain friends with no sex, just friends (NO MATTER WHAT)

      If you’re being honest with yourself about what you really want you’ll then be able to make a clear and self-loving decision about what’s right for you.

      No games. Be authentic.

      Whatever you do, do it gracefully, from your heart.

      Big hugs.


  • Thao
    March 5, 2015 11:02 pm

    Hi Nadine.

    I am currently in a tough situation right now. I was in a relationship for 3 1/2 years and this friend of mine decided to kiss me one night ( my ex and i lived together but we were always on and off and i wasnt happy). Moving foward, this friend of mine was head over heels for me. and my feeling for him started growing ( i wasnt attractive to him at first at all, i know him for years already). I broke up with my ex after this past semester. I started seeing this friend of mine more. He lives about an hour away so we would take turn to see each other. I admitted it, i got needy and always make plan time to see him. We got into a couple arguement, he said he wanted to take a break and i said ” no, either you are with me or you are not”. About a month ago, i asked him about us what should we do. should make it official and he said what ever you want. so like that we became bf and gf. Thing got little weird, especially when we werent in the the same city. He doesnt talk as much as on the phone. One night on the phone i realized how quiet he got and i asked him. he said he wants me , likes me alot but he doesnt want a gf right now. This is right before he left for another country to 3 weeks”. But then the next day he acted all nice like nothing happened so i thought we were fine when he left for vn. But deep down i know it wasnt okay. He still called and talked to me alot when he was in vn. The last couple day when he was there i didnt hear from him so i got mad at him and hung up on him ( he never called me back). The day he came back, he was really short with him until he got home and saw that i left him a valentine present. He drove down to see me the same day.
    Moving forward, i came down to see him this past weekend. He got me flowers and a gift card to sephora and everything was great. I saw a missed call and missed facetime from a girl name K and i asked him who is she and she said she is a friend. So i dropped it but deep down i wasnt okay with that answer. So tuesday morning i was on the phone with him and i said ” i have something to ask you, its kinda bother me and i dont want to explode on him when we get into a fight. ” why did ly tried to facetime you?” He got super quiet and said really? In the end he said he doesnt know if he wants a gf right now. He doesnt want to answer to anyone right now. He feels like its becoming a chore to see me and that he has to see me every weekend. I asked him what does he want? he said he doesnt know. I was crushed cause i do like this guy a lot. So i told him” im not doing this. I refuse to be your side chick and you can just leave me alone from now on” It took a lot of courage because i do want to be with him but i need him to want to be with me also. I miss him a a lot but i am trying to be strong to move on. I blocked him from everything. Am i doing the right thing?

    • Nadine Piat
      March 6, 2015 6:03 am

      Hi Thao,

      Of course you made the best decision for you at the time. It’s not right or wrong.

      It seems to me that you couldn’t bare to be in a state of unknown with him, which had you making a rash decision.

      It sounds to me that for much of the relationship your were leading. You would instigate many of the plans, making sure you’d see each other. It doesn’t seem that you gave him space and time to come to you, which in turn makes a man feel suffocated.

      It sounds to me that he did legitimately care for you, though perhaps you gt too needy and too doormat like. Instead of you relaxing and accessing how you really feel, you tended to be more reactive, which after a while will make anyone want to withdraw.

      Hanging up on people is about control. It sounds to me that you were blaming him a lot and making him wrong instead of communicating how you really felt deep down. Good men value and respect reasonable boundaries, perhaps you skipped this and went straight for demands?

      I don’t know if this man is nice guy or not, I know know him. I also don’t know if he’s with another woman or not. Either way take this experience and make it work for you.

      Find out why you get so fearful and insecure. Try to understand why you tend to try and control everything.

      What ever happens you will be able to use this knowledge to help you with your future relationships, be it with this guy or another one.

      Men like freedom and when you give it to them they tend to need it so much.

      I hope that helps.


  • Thao
    March 6, 2015 4:07 pm

    Thank you so much for your advices.
    I guess i am a control freak but if i want to be with this guy i cant do that. so what should I do now? i know i have to work on myself and stop being needy and act like i dont care sometime. The ball is in his court isnt it? I obviously cant contact him nor i could since i blocked him.

  • SoInsecure
    March 15, 2015 3:39 pm

    Thank you Nadine for this straight, simple and eye-opening article.
    I met this guy online in Dec. last year and fell for him after 2 weeks of chatting with him. He was so wonderful and something about him and his words touched my core. But sadly, I didn’t just fall I became obsessed with him! And I am someone who doesn’t give a guy a chance so easily. But I didn’t have much going on for myself then, no work, no friends. But I am certain that what I felt for him didn’t come from a place of desperation. I was just determined to find someone and I projected. When he asked me out I developed cold feet and didn’t meet him. Then he moved to another country for work. We remained in touch, with me initiating contact mostly. He was cool with me doing so or not, but always responded. We fought twice and I always went back to talking to him. In essence I pursued him more not wanting our initial chemistry/connection to go to waste.
    This Feb. he came back to my city and told me so. He never made a move or asked me out but just told me, probably he knew that I am obsessive and impulsive and unhinged by him, so he just put the ball in my court and waited. After 2 weeks I suggested that we go out. He came to meet me promptly on a notice of just a few hours. All this kept giving me hope that he liked me too! The third time we met he kissed me in the sweetest possible manner. But soon after that he told me that his parents do not allow him to have a relationship with a woman from another religion/community and he wasn’t allowed to marry his previous girlfriend for the same reason. We belonged to different religions. He’s an excellent storyteller and built up his story really well. I don’t know how much of it was fact and how much was exaggerated or fiction. But what I know was that he was giving me enough reason to walk away by saying that he can’t/won’t be in a relationship with me. And I didn’t. Instead I made all the mistakes you mentioned in your article. I made out with him, slept with him, kept meeting him, all in the hope of changing his mind. I lost myself in trying to be the woman that he might fall in love with. I showed him that I care for him. In return he put min. effort from his end and prioritized sex above all. Aah! I didn’t even know I was this much of a masochist.
    Since the last 2 weeks I have stopped contacting him. Now he’s getting curious/restless. He messages me asking why i’ve been distant lately and that he misses me a bit. He’s a good guy. It was my ego that couldn’t accept that he doesn’t want me for a relationship. Now I don’t know what to do. I definitely want a relationship, not just something casual. He has never done/said anything to hurt, offend or disrespect me and now i don’t want to simple disappear on him after showing keenness for over 3 months. Should I simply tell him that this isn’t working for me? Or should I tell him that I want a serious committed relationship? Or just let things fizzle out on their own by not contacting him? Although that would seem lame. But I don’t want to compromise on my needs anymore. I know that I need to work on my self-esteem and get my life together. Otherwise I’ll keep messing up in relationships.
    I could really use some help here.

  • Flcity
    March 16, 2015 3:53 pm

    Hi Nadine

    This is such a great article. I also found myself in this situation. Although the person I fell for said he didn’t want a relationship early on, I chose to stay. Even after I’d already walked away. In my case, he’d call me everyday, he’d help me when I needed to make important decisions and I was his support when he needed support. We’d see each other weekly up until August when he told me he kissed another. I was devastated…after, we decided not to communicate as it wasn’t fair to myself or fair to him. He said he wasn’t ready to commit to anyone, not just me. He didn’t want to feel obligated to do things and didn’t want to have to answer or explain to anyone. We reconnected and after we just saw each other maybe once a month. The last time I saw him was in December, but we still talked everyday, multiple times a day. He’d call me first thing in the morning on the weekends. He knew how I felt about him early on. He knew what I wanted from the beginning.

    It got to a point where I’d worry and drive myself crazy thinking he was with someone if he didn’t call or if he didn’t pick up my call. I had to do something. We broke communication again two weeks ago. I miss him. Even though we weren’t spending time with each other, I miss him. But do I miss the thought of him? Do I miss what I thought could have been? Do I miss the fantasy and thought of being in a relationship with him?

    It’s such a unfortunate situation to be in.

    • Nadine Piat
      March 16, 2015 10:34 pm

      Hi Flcity,

      I know it hurts so much, and at the same time this experience for you is a very beautiful and powerful life and love lesson.

      That moment when someone says that they don’t want what you want, our hearts can drop, though attachment and fantasy may have already set in and instead of walking away we think that we can change them or perhaps we believe that what they have to offer is ENOUGH (when WE KNOW deep down it’s not).

      Instead of yearning for him, do you think you can focus on healing and embracing the important lesson that wants to be seen?

      I think we can miss the idea of someone. If you’ve never really felt emotionally safe with this person then perhaps you’re not missing him, you may be grieving another “going nowhere” connection. You may be taking his choices personally. You might even be angry with yourself.

      Forgiving ourselves is the most important step. You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at them time. Now you have new information and awareness which will support you in the future.

      Be kind and loving to you and know that you deserve an emotionally and physically intimate relationship with a man who wants to commit to you.

      Keep your heart open and take your time to get to know someone, and of course pay attention to what they say they want and believe them.

      Much Love,

  • Jalisa
    March 24, 2015 4:20 pm

    I’m having the same issue.
    I been dating this guy for almost a year now and in the beginning he was saying all the things i wanted to hear and i ask him was he trying to be in a relationship and his words was not yet time will tell. So we continued as friends and eventually we had sex and on going sex and became close,i was his support system through all his issues and he was there for me. Then recently we got into a argument because he said i was being emotional and that i knew he didn’t want a relationship and he was wrong for being misleading but can we have what we have without the emotions. He was us to love and care for each other but he can’t deal with me being emotional. He doesn’t want to let go of me either. I know i should probably just walk away from him but why is it so hard. I know he has alot going on in his life and i mean alot but is it that bad to where he doesn’t want a woman by his side?

  • Jalisa
    March 24, 2015 4:21 pm

    I’m having the same issue.
    I been dating this guy for almost a year now and in the beginning he was saying all the things i wanted to hear and i ask him was he trying to be in a relationship and his words was not yet time will tell. So we continued as friends and eventually we had sex and on going sex and became close,i was his support system through all his issues and he was there for me. Then recently we got into a argument because he said i was being emotional and that i knew he didn’t want a relationship and he was wrong for being misleading but can we have what we have without the emotions. He was us to love and care for each other but he can’t deal with me being emotional. He doesn’t want to let go of me either. I know i should probably just walk away from him but why is it so hard. I know he has alot going on in his life and i mean alot but is it that bad to where he doesn’t want a woman by his side? Is it

  • porsh
    March 27, 2015 4:24 pm

    I’m going thru this to a certain degree. I haven’t been in a relationship for years by choice.I’m in my mid 20s so I haven’t been looking for anything serious. So when me and my guy met, saying we were gonna keep things causal was no big deal. But he is the affectionate one and he’s introduced me to his family (I haven’t introduced him to mine tho). Yet when I bring this up he’s still saying he doesn’t want a relationship. This isn’t just a booty call thing either. We’ve gone everywhere together. Day/night. We spend most of our free time together so it’s becoming strange for me. I don’t want to lose the friend he has become or the intimate times we share. But he’s making me questions my own standing! I date casually all the time (that’s y I’ve been single about 3 yrs) so I’m just in a difficult situation right now.I do have feelings for him (not love) so Idk what to do????

  • Anne
    April 16, 2015 2:23 am

    Thank you for such poignant advice! I met a man online last November and went on 5 dates with him over the next 3 months. We had a great time when we saw each other and more than that really connected when we talked with each other over the phone or via text between dates. Although I was developing feelings for him, I soon found out that last October he had just got out of back to back relationships spanning 8 years and as such was not ready for a relationship with me at the moment. He liked me and thought maybe we could be in a relationship in the distant future. I tried to take a break but he kept contacting me which I was glad because I actually missed him. I tried so hard to see him as only a friend in every contact we had. I have to admit though it was really great to have him around when my dad was diagnosed with cancer and I needed support. We met up 3 times as friends. Although we had a great time, the last time we met was difficult because I realized I couldn’t still be friends since I still had feelings for him and hoped he had feelings for me too. I emailed him how I felt and asked for a break. He texted me if we could discuss over the phone and I told him I wanted to be left alone right now. And he said I sounded really down and that he’ll leave me alone. I haven’t heard from him and I wonder if I did the right thing with not speaking to him over the phone. And more importantly how do I move on without thinking of him or comparing other guys to him?

  • Shannon
    May 4, 2015 9:53 pm

    This article is everything I had been looking for. I met an amazing guy back in December and things started off very well. He kept in contact, planned dates, kept his word, etc. I never had to worry when I’d hear from him or when I’d see him, I knew he was interested. He was consistent, which was a great surprise, since many men aren’t. Fast forward to New Years Eve. It was 4am and he didn’t want to stay over. He instead chose to drive 30 minutes home in crappy weather. This was the first and only red flag I needed. After this, I initiated the inevitable “So what are we doing here?” conversation. He then told me he was planning on moving to a different state and didn’t want to start anything “serious” and then ruin it all by moving away. After that, I was a wreck. We decide to stay friends. We continued to hang out and text all the time; it was as if nothing had changed, which was such a dangerous place to be. Fast forward a month or so, and he tells me his last serious relationship really messed him up. He was still guarded and the whole “moving away” bit was just him trying to slow this whole thing down. He said he didn’t want to date anyone or have anyone hurt him right now. At that point I tried dating other men. I knew it was time to put myself out there but no one else compared and I didn’t connect to anyone like I did with this man. I figured it was best to just be single. I still talk to this man almost everyday but he hasn’t made time to hang out in quite some time, even though he says he will. This article was the push I needed to move on, which is difficult, as we have become such good friends now. However, I ultimately know I do want something more from him but I can’t keep wishful thinking, hoping one day he’ll change his mind. This is a terrible place to be with someone and I don’t wish it on anyone.

    • Nadine Piat
      May 5, 2015 12:44 am

      Hi Shannon,

      So sorry to hear what you’re going through! I know it’s hard, though think about how much better you’ll feel in time, knowing that you were honest with you and authentic to your core values.

      The strange thing is – while he’s so fearful of getting hurt, you’re feeling hurt! What’s happening is emotionally unhealthy. Does he know how painful this if for you?

      Right now he’s getting the benefits of; emotional support, appreciation and validation on a daily basis with you, yet no commitment. He’s a very lucky man, while every other guy you meet you compare them to him. I know how easy this is to do, though try to break that habit.

      Friends is a good thing, though most friends don’t speak every day. I have wonderful relationships with a few of my ex’s and even though I may speak to them most weeks (not always), there is no hidden agenda.

      Shannon, whatever you do in this situation must be authentic to you and self-loving. When we’re unhappy or emotional we’re normally having a TUG of War with ourselves – this dis-ease is more about ourselves than the other person. Clear and graceful boundaries are freeing and liberating and he will respect this (even if he doesn’t like it).

      No matter what you do and how you do it, it’s important to do what you do WITHOUT trying to get a certain outcome or reaction from him.

      Live your life. Have some fun with friends and life. Think about all of the great stuff you can do with all of that extra energy you’re going to have!

      Much love,
      Nadine x

  • Fiona Carol
    May 13, 2015 10:47 am

    Dear Nadine, thank you for your encouraging article..
    I’m now in a very difficult situation. I’ve been dating with a guy for 4 months, and we see each other almost everyday, and we do sex as well. . in the very beginning he said, don’t wanna have relation ship with anybody, and he said he doesn’t believe in relation ship. Better has friendship first who could be a long lasting one than a relation ship.
    I tottaly understand what he wants. And told to myself not to expect anything from him. Days gone..and we become more close..and I feel that he has some feelings for me, that he could stay away from me, and wanna see me everyday..even he asked me to move in together. I thought he started to falling in love with me.
    but when we have an argue some days ago, about him being not so care about me..he said, we are not a couple right!!?
    That day I was so shocked, and asking him what he wants.. he said dont want a relationship, and just friendship and lets see what happen…told me not to think about the future..just live today…
    I do feel its not fair for me, and Ive already told him that I want a real relationship.
    He still wanna see me in the day after…llike nothing happen… everytime I bring the discussion he just avoid it.

    what should I do? Is 4 months too soon to asking this guy for a relationship?

    Thank you Nadine

  • Scarlett
    May 31, 2015 12:40 am

    This article is exactly what I needed. I have been friends with the guy for about 10 years. It was never anything more than flirting, when we saw each. He was married when we first met, last year in March they filed for divorce and he wanted to start hanging out so we did. We had sex kka few times then we just stopped talking. He would call me every now and then and I wouldnt really give him the time of day. Until he called me Easter weekend. We have talked all day everyday since then. He told me in the beginning he didn’t want a relationship right now, had been dating a girl for about 6 months and it ended badly, so of course I told him I understood. We were hanging out 2-3 times a week, and we didn’t have sex every time we saw each other. One night we were hanging out and he tells me “I can see myself marrying you one day” and told me we were making love and this confused me even more. In the last 2 weeks he has stopped really hanging out with me but wanted me to continue to talk to him all day, give him advise on everything from money to making decisions and be there to support him. However, yesterday I just told him that I could no longer be just a friend..he could either be in a relationship with me or he needed to delete my number he was still pushing for a friendship and I told him there are to many emotions involved and pretty much left it at that. Well later last night he sent me a txt asking me to please talk to him which I old him there was nothing else to say and when/if he wanted to give us a try to call me. I am so lost without talking to him but I know this is the best thing I can do for myself but I feel like I have lost one of my best friends. This is one of the worest things I have ever had to do.

  • Karla
    July 30, 2015 5:05 pm

    Oh Nadine, your advice came straight from heaven. Thank you so much.

    I just met in great guy two weeks ago. We had been talking for a while then stopped contact. After a month he texted me, I was by his area and we met very casually. It was a very nice to be around him. We have many things in common such as both going through divorce and being hurt. I am further past emotionally-wise, while he is further in the legal part. But I definitely noticed he is hurt by his ex being unfaithful. Anyway, there were no fireworks, but felt good and I know he was attracted to me too. So, I stayed the night.

    I was kicking myself that day for staying.. so I decided to be straight forward and communicated what I was looking for (monogamous, fun, chill relationship but I was ready to be friends and go from there and no pressures).
    He responded the following: “Looking for fun, chill, hanging out but no relationship at this time. The hanging out does not necessarily have sex involved, more just as the friends thing. If sex happens OK, but not looking for that. I need time for me and to heal and cannot give someone that right now. But glad to hear there isn’t any pressure”.

    Since that day, he has been texting me and we have seen each other two more times (intimacy involved), but I drew the line and said I did only want friends for now. I did this knowing I would get emotionally attached. In fact, I am a bit attached right now 🙁 I am trying so hard not to think of him. He was honest, but like you said.. that silly hope that things can chance has me still hanging. On the intimacy part, I do know he is not pressuring anything at all. He is still talking to me as normal.

    I don’t think he does not like me, he flirts with me and he is nice and caring to a point, but I think it is just bad timing. I am so so confused of whether just leave and not be friends and come back when both are in a better place. But at the same time, how will I get to know him as a person if I am not his friend?

    Something that resonated with me was that you said ‘if he really wants you, he will sort himself out’. I know it is a difficult situation… or maybe I am making it out to be. I am fighting against the daydreaming and expectations. On the other hand, despite just have meeting, he mentioned that when he moves to his best friend and starts school, I can come over and stay. That is in October! So he is basically telling me he is staying in touch? (3 months from now..).

    Also, in reality, I am not completely ready for a relationship, but I do want to be around him so bad without getting hurt and taking things slow.

    See why I still have a bit of hope that at one moment we both will be ready?

  • Jessica
    August 4, 2015 8:09 pm

    I’m currently going through this “not ready for a relationship” deal with my boyfriend. When I met him, I was moving out on my own, buying my own car, and getting out of a 4 year relationship with my ex boyfriend. The new guy was married and not happy but pursued me anyway. I didn’t make it easy for him. Finally after a couple months he decided to file for a divorce with his wife of 4 years. He wasn’t happy and was planning to do this before. I was an extra push I guess. His wife was awful to him and I gave him advice to do so as a friend not just to be with me. He declared his love to me and told me that we would be together. He would even contact my friend to make sure I still wanted to be with him. Constantly called me and messaged me. He even cried when he would leave me. I felt his love and I knew this was real. I’ve never felt this way about anyone. Through the divorce he had the hardest time. Let’s just say that his whole family was against it and I was there the whole time to hold his head up cause it was the hardest time for him. After everything was final (divorce was equal no trial etc) we started dating finally. He would send me love messages declaring his love for me all the time saying we will be together forever. After 4 months of being in a full blown relationship with me just 4 weeks back he told me he was feeling tied down and married again. I am a pretty easy going person that didnt care what he did but wanted to know what he was going on in his life and didn’t understand why he was feeling this way. I turned it all around and he was ok after that back to his normal self. 2 weeks ago he told me he needed space and time for himself. I calmly told him I understood being I got out of a 4 relationship myself. So i gave him his time. The whole time he kept texting me asking what I was up to and have a good day. So i would respond. I did post a lot on fbook about how happy i was etc. After a week and half he finally told me he didnt want this anymore and that he doesnt want a relationship. He said he just wants to be alone and think for himself cause he has a lot going on in which he does cause he owns his own business and races a lot. So now im hurt. He told me he promised he wouldnt hurt me but needs to do this now. What do I do? I truly love him and never have ever loved anyone like this before. I know he loves me deeply but why would he need a break from me right away? I need advice what to do cause I feel like he will be back eventually after his races that are coming up.

  • Judith
    August 13, 2015 2:47 am

    I can’t be more thankful for having read this post. It helped me figure out my uncertain feels for a guy who was truly honest with me and said that he’s not sure if he’s ready to commit to a long-term relationship. The reason is that he has been hurt in the past two relationships, both are long-term. He admitted to me that his feels are weird, but at the same time he liked me and found me an interesting girl. He’s usually busy at work so he texted me only at night and in the morning. At first, I found all of this very sweet. When I was about to take another step and asked how he can be providing me in this relationship, he did not reply until next day morning saying he fell asleep and we never brought up this topic. Personally, I put great value in my own time. I do not want to waste time and this guy was definitely wasting my time. I spent a long time to come to this realization because I had been using all the sweet texts he sent me to make myself to believe that if I give him more time, he someday might tell me he’s ready. To all the girls who went through the same journey, please move on. I know it’s hard, but just ask yourself one question: If someone truly likes you, would he/she ever keeps you waiting, despite his/her being honest to you? No, he/she values your time more than he/she values their. We all are intelligent women. Know when enough is enough. Someday the future you will pat the present you on the back, to thank you for protecting yourself from harm.

  • Scorpio
    September 23, 2015 8:22 pm

    What if they treat you as if you are in a relationship but when you ask if you are in one, he says he doesn’t know if he wants a commitment yet? He wants to “take it day by day”?! Here is a guy that spends the night after work almost every night, spends his days off with me, introduced me to his friends, family and coworkers all after two months of dating. Now curious as I am, are we on the same page? Are you Mt bf, are we in a relationship? He says “I don’t want to be forced into a commitment”. What does that even mean? That’s confusing. His actions are different than his words. Any thoughts?

  • kathy
    September 28, 2015 2:30 am

    Hello, I am in a current situation and unsure of it all. Well a little over a month ago, I met this guy through a dating site. We hit it off on the first date and after that we didn’t speak much then within like 2 weeks we spoke again and we have been going out since then. Our time spent together was wonderful. We spoke about not seeing anyone else, and we saw each other once or twice a week because our schedules were hectic well more of my schedule than anything. He is older than I am and he did go through a long term relationship of 5 years, bough a house for thin and his ex to start a family and hasn’t seriously dated anyone for about 3 years which is me and I had gone through a breakup with my ex of about 5 years about 2 years ago. The time I spent with this guy we had connected, the talks we had were about marriage, the future, and so forth. The little time i have known him i felt a genuine connection and feelings for him. Well we did have sex when i knew i should’ve waited before we got there. Throughout the time we spent, he is the one that initiated to converse on the phone rather than text me, make a list of things for us to do together, call me babe when i had questioned him about calling me that so soon, wanting pictures of us together to have, meeting his friends, telling me that we can spend the holidays together, along if perhaps i will meet his family if i play my cards right. This whole time, I did not get any hints or vibes telling me otherwise which contradicts the way he looks at me or things he said. This past wednesday, he asked about us and I told him i see things moving forward & I hoping to hear the same from him, I got the opposite. He said that he wanted long term but not now, that he feels he won’t be able to give me the time and dedication that i deserve and it would be unfair. I questioned him bc I had just spent a night at his place and everything was great. I told him I do not have much time between work & nursing school, but I am willing to make it work. I did not get the same response back, that i hoped for. i told him i feel mislead and he just wanted to have sex & he told me he has feelings for me that he hasn’t felt in a long time and i feel the same although i feel like there is more to that. I asked if there was another reason or if he was scared to get into a relationship, and he told me i guess it could be all of it. I asked him where does that leave us. He didn’t want to lose me, but i told him not to text me or call me because it is not fair to me and my feelings for wanting more from him. I do hope the time not contacting each other will change things. It is now Sunday and he hasn’t contacted me. I checked to see if he has been on the dating site where it all began and he hasn’t since us. I have reflected on it all and I feel it is more of a fear of getting into a relationship plus knowing his parents separated which can affect his reason for commitment or there could be telling me the truth, not sure. I want to contact him, I miss him and the time we spent together. I just do not know what to do or what to understand from all of this.

  • Tami
    October 12, 2015 2:19 pm

    I really appreciate reading this article/blog…I am going thru the same things all of these women have gone thru and its been 4 years!!… and thru knowing that he didnt want a monogamous relationship with me, I also dealt with him being in love and seeing another woman who lives in another state where he moved from about 7 years ago, but they continued seeing each other, and then moved here and we met… I tried over these years to break up with him, and we would both cry about it, trying to hold to one another….and go right back to seeing each otha.. But he never stopped seeing her at least twice a month while seeing me, all the while saying he is not ready to be mongamous- and I could never quite understand- since we have travelled many palces, spent time with my children, met each others families, everything just like a couple. And the more we did the closer I thought I was to becoming THE ONE, but still 4 years later he says the same thing, he is not ready to be in a monogamous relationship nor is he ready to let go of the other relationship…..I have had so much stress over this and just want to heal and renew my mind and thinking… Its hard, I cry A LOT, and I miss him!…. I have started seeing a counselor and really trying to care for ME…Im still communicating with him, but not seeing him…and i want to stop all communications but its so hard….I date and if things dont go well I always go back to thinking I was better off with him…. Its only been a couple of days since ive broken off with him, and he has respected my physical space so far, but we are still texting, and I just want to let go…I know that is the right thing for me and I know I am getting there, but its hard with no support from a girlfriend or family members… Its just me and my kids…but I AM MOVING FORWARD…I tell myself that everyday, and everyday I get stronger… So ladies please dont stop telling your stories becasue they do help others!!!..and thank you Nadine for creating a place where we can be honest with each other and most importantly with ourselves!

    • Nadine Piat
      October 13, 2015 2:45 am

      Hi Tami,

      Thank you for sharing your story… and a painful one at that!

      After reading all of the other women’s comments and reading my responses, have you got any more clarity and maybe even some more strength to take the next step in your situation?

      Also, great to hear that you’re getting therapy for this. If you dig deep you will be much better off for this. This experience can be one of your most powerful lessons of self-love and discovering what love really is to you.

      I had my big wake up call about 8 years ago or maybe longer now. The beauty of good therapy/coaching is that if you do it properly it will allow you remain faithful, gracious and open to love, while also learning healthy boundaries so that you invite Healthy Love into your life, not the unhealthy… that’s when I wrote my Never Lose Him program.

      You’re doing really well. Keep going.

      Don’t worry about the uncomfortable feelings, tune into them and understand them… they hold the key to you experiencing the love you actually want and value.

      Sending you courage and love.

      Nadine x

      • Tami
        October 13, 2015 3:44 pm

        Thank You Nadine,
        Yes I have read all of the comments and your responses, and they have truly helped me… As a matter of fact I read some of them when I feel like going back, and being with him again. I dont want to be bitter and angry about the situation but I do want to try and focus on the reality of the situation, becasue its so easy to go back to the fantasy of it being ok. Somedays im extremely lonely, and that relationship was a comfort to me. He was always available to me, until it was time for him to see his other friend, and I always told my self that it was enough. And I always made excuses to be ok, like the good outweighs the bad. But I knew deep down inside that it wasnt enough for me. So Im grateful that 1) I can see I am not the only one going thru this, and 2) there are answers that I reference whn Im in a bad place, it makes me feel like someone understands… So Again thank you Everyone!!! As for my therapy…it really helps to be able to talk to someone when you are going thru something like this…I have gone thru a divorce and know that losing a relationship can be like grieving a death….. But I only have two sessions left, so finding this outlet will be a great place to continue recieving help with my growth. —one day at a time!

  • Laurence
    October 29, 2015 7:18 am

    Bonjour! Very interesting article, thanks. However, I have a question: what if neither of us is ready for a committed relationship, because we are both coming out of a traumatic divorce? I have been in relationship with a man for 4 years, but we are not able to make plans for the future or commit fully as we are still healing. We have tried breaking up many times, but somehow we get back together as we are happy to be in a fairly stress free, passionate and loving relationship. What is the right thing to do???!!!!

    • Nadine Piat
      October 29, 2015 7:42 am

      Bonjour Laurence,

      I see no problems with this – AS LONG AS YOU ARE BOTH HONEST ABOUT WHERE YOU ARE AT. If you’re both truly on the same page then this kind of relationship can be perfect.

      The only concern is making sure you’re both clear about your sexual health. Are you both with other people from time to time or are you exclusive?

      Some women can have a casual relationship and some cannot. Some men can and some men cannot. As long as you are true with your heart then you should be free to do as you “authentically” desire.

      When you treat yourself with love and kindness you will know if it’s right for you.

      Much Love,

      • Laurence
        October 30, 2015 5:38 am

        Perfect answer. Thank you so much for making everything much clearer!

        • Nadine Piat
          October 30, 2015 9:37 am

          Welcome 🙂

          • Suzette
            October 31, 2015 3:19 pm

            This was great. I have been dealing with this same situation for 2 years. He would say he didn’t want a relationship, I would break up with him, then he would call and ask me to be his girlfriend again, then the vicious circle would start all over again. I have love for him but I am finally soooo very tired now of this back and forth. I thank everyone for sharing.

  • Gee
    November 8, 2015 5:23 am

    Hey Nadine. I kinda facing a similar situation. I am in love with this guy and I THINK he’s too but he’s actions mean the opposite. We’ve had a relationship in the past and I was the one messing up most of the times,well we forgave each because he did mess up too. Last year he went to varsity and changed drastically. I told myself that maybe he was adapting to the environment and the vibe there and he did. On my first visit which was on the 6th of April last year we semi-sex and it was a bit awkward because it was our first time but I was so excited. After that day he became distant and mute I was the one calling,everyday! After two weeks he sent me a picture of a girl I know. I started seeing their pictures on facebook,kissing and cuddling. I tried to confront him but he ignored me. After two months of their relationship there were problems. The guy and I started talking again and promised to meet and so on but later found out that the girl is PREGNANT! I was emotionally and mentally paralyzed. I decided to move and I told him to do too. We did until this year October. We met again and had sex on the very first day I told him that I wanted to be happy in a relationship. He told me that he loves me and I should speak my mind,he’s ready to settle in ANYTHING I want or need. I love him but is really willing to be with me?

  • Lilly Reese
    November 9, 2015 6:39 am

    Thank you for the article. I am going through the exact same thing. My boyfriend of 3 years just told me he does not want a relationship, and doesn’t know what the future holds. He enjoys spending time with me and love me but doesn’t want a relationship right now. We started out as a long distance relationship for 6 months then moved in together for 1 1/2 years then moved to separate cities 3 months ago and up until today, and the 2 weeks I suggested we break up, still see each other weekly and talked on the phone daily. He said he is not seeing anyone and loves me. When we 1st started dating he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Then he told me he doesn’t believe in marriage, and now this. He’s not sure about relationship right now but he is sure he enjoys spending time with me. and told me he loves me. I thanked him and told him I love him too and enjoy spending time with him as well. I also told him I wanted a long-term relationship and the ball is in his court and I’m prepared to move on.

  • Lauren
    January 27, 2016 1:22 pm

    So what if he does everything in the ready for relationship column but says he doesn’t want a relationship? We’ve been together 2 years, he never lets me walk away says he loves me then takes it back. He still sleeps with other women Bc he says I don’t satisfy him or there’s something missing. Yet he always wants me over. We spend almost every night together, we do not have sex all the time. We go to lunch dinner shows I know his friends, met his family etc. but still says no relationship. Now he’s telling me we need to go on a long break. I’m devestated. I just don’t understand.

    • Nadine Piat
      January 27, 2016 10:46 pm

      Hi Lauren,

      In the article I mentioned that some men will treat you very well, though still not want to commit. This is why it’s confusing. It still stands, he said he didn’t want to commit or be in a relationship (even if his actions seemed otherwise), and that’s what he meant. I know it hurts. You’ve invested so much time and energy and your heart.

      Don’t take it personally. Believe in you, treat yourself with love and kindness… and learn from this.

      It doesn’t even really matter why he’s not wanting to commit to you. You have to commit to you and honour you. Only date men who are ready to commit.

      This means it’s important to take time getting to know the man you date – he will tell you where he’s at one way or another and then BELIEVE him.

      I’ve walked away from many men who told me that they were not ready for a relationship. Some of them came back later when they were ready. Others did not. That’s okay. I honoured myself. Sure, some men do change their minds, though this is the minority, it’s a fruitless investment.

      Be brave, be courageous and focus on the type of man you really want. He was and is not your ideal partner right now. He was was here to help you clarify and find what you actually deserve. You deserve much more… and the first person who must believe that is YOU.

      Hugs and love,
      Nadine too

  • Ali
    February 1, 2016 12:26 pm

    Hi, We’ve been together for three and half years and lived together for the last two. We have both been feeling the pressure from our two families and friends to take it to the next step and get married. But, neither of us feel ready to get married. We both are not exactly where we want to be in our career and I had recently decided to move out because living on my own is something I’ve always wanted to do. The thing is I’m okay not knowing. I’m happy where are relationship is now and I’m not worried about the future. He’s freaking out now after our two week long discussion and has decided that because he doesn’t feel the urge, he may never feel it, and he doesn’t want to hurt me and hold me back.

    I love him so much. We are truly partners. We take care of each other and never really had any issues. We’ve both been crying for a two week straight. I don’t know what to do….and we still live together because my apartment lease doesn’t start for a month.

  • BriannaC
    February 5, 2016 11:50 am

    I really love my now ex boyfriend we got along so good my first love always there for each other always spending time with each other etc we were best friends in a loving relationship together 1year 1/2 we started to get into it over dumb things so we kept breaking up it never was cheating involved from both parties I’ll admit I kept breaking up with him and he steady would take me back Now its been 2years we still text and talk all day & be around each other tell each other we love each other neither one of us is seeing anybody else but he says he doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now cause he don’t want either one of us to get hurt so he’s going through financial problems right now he wanna focus on getting his self together so I want to stick by his side & let him know I’m here cause he was always there for me so I’m confused on should I let go or just take things slow between us & let everything play out & continue to be by his side

    • Nadine Piat
      February 8, 2016 8:50 pm

      Hi Brianna, For someone to love us in a healthy lasting kind of way they need to feel SAFE with us. If he feels like being in a relationship with you is going to be dramatic and that you’ll break up with him regularly, or you may say nasty things to him or to each other, then it makes sense why he doesn’t want to get back together. Because it doesn’t feel safe. I’m not necessarily referring to physical safety, he needs to feel emotionally safe being with you.

      This doesn’t mean that he doesn’t care for you, though he’s aware that the being together is not healthy for him.

      If you put your ego aside and regardless of how he feels about you, if you’re honest with yourself – was the relationship – kind, mindful and emotionally intimate? Did you communicate well, share each others concerns and work out ways to overcome your differences in graceful ways? Have both of you learnt how to understand your emotions, triggers and learnt ways to effectively navigate conflict, doubt, frustration and insecurities in a relationship?

      If you cannot not answer ‘yes’ to the above questions then my advice would be for you to start reevaluating what a truly loving relationship is… then see what happens after that. You’ll see things very differently when you go deeper within yourself. And why would you want to go back into something that was an emotional rollercoaster?

      Both of you have some growing to do in order to have a loving, kind and intimate relationship. Do this first. This video might help: http://healthyyouhealthylove.com/when-to-get-back-together-2/


      • Lisa
        February 16, 2016 9:31 pm

        Hi Nadine
        I got on this website today because I have been in a relationship with a man over the past two years and it has been more heartache then good. We have been very good friends the whole time and I love him to death he is the greatest guy I ever met. However from the very beginning he has told me he does not want a commitment. However his actions were much different. The closer we got the more he pulled away. The more he pulled away the more I called and text. It seems like I could not help myself at all it is so frustrating.
        This pattern has been going on and on for the past two years and honestly I am so hurt and tired but I cannot let go.
        Sometimes he is so close to me I think he really wants me and other times he is so distance I wonder what I did wrong. We are not young, he is 52 I am 49. We both have been married and he has been divorced for at least 12 years and me 3 years.

        I really need advice because sometimes I feel like I am really going to break and I cannot handle the times he tells me that he is not for me and that he does not want me.

    February 9, 2016 8:28 pm

    My goodness …… I REALLY needed to read this tonight. It could have been written for me personally! PERFECT TIMING too! I felt weak and was about to make contact. After reading this I could see how wrong that would have been, on so many different levels. I intend to save it and read it in any future moment of ‘weakness’. I need to concentrate on myself and move forward from the toxic place I have been in for the past year. Thank you.

    • Nadine Piat
      February 9, 2016 8:52 pm

      You’re welcome! xx

  • Vincenza Colavolpe
    February 24, 2016 8:23 am


    I have been having issues with a guy. I am in college and from day one he started showing an interest in me by playfully teasing me. By the second day of class, I bluntly asked him if he likes me and he admitted he likes my personality. A week or two later I was writing my number down for a friend in my class that was a girl. He came up to me and said he has a photographic memory. Then once class started he went back to his seat and immediately texted me. We would talk on phone a lot , most the time its 2 hr talks both in morning before school and after . he would text me as soon as he got out of class or had a break. We have the same values and goals of what is important to us. He has admitted he has thought about a relationship before. Problem is, he was engaged to a girl and he still communicates with her when I asked if he is happy talking to her he said no. He then said that he feels an obligation to help her because he promised her when they were together he would always be there for her. Last week after class he would walk me across campus to my next class like he always does, this time he grabbed my hand and held it when we were walking and just smiled when I looked at him. . tonight I asked him what his intentions are and basically for him to make a move if he wants me so I know where we stand. We have been honest with each other from beginning and he texted me back and said he is broken and he can’t be in relationship when his life is in pieces. He then said he can’t give me what I want and when I asked what did that mean he said he cant make that decision right now in regards to us dating. I was just wondering what I should do now. He meets all of the bullet points above on how to tell if he is interested . I’m just concerned his ex has been getting in his head because he mentioned how she got mad at him because I callled him one day when he was picking her up from the hospital because she couldn’t drive home. So…what should I do?

  • Jo
    March 11, 2016 6:34 am


    I read your article and really would have wished I listened to it a long time ago, so now I’m so far in my “relationship” with my “I don’t want a relationship” guy I don’t know what to do.

    I met him 7 years ago and he instantly told me he didn’t want A relationship.. He kept it light and causal and I totally fell head over heals in love with him. He continued to say he hated relationships but continued to have a “relationship” with me. After almost a year in he cheated and I ran. We were apart for a year and then picked it back up. I honestly think the only reason I stayed away was because I lived in a different town.

    As soon as I moved back we got back together. He still would say he wasn’t sure about our future but then he moved in. While we were together he was good to me but still distant. Then we broke up and I moved out.. We did this three times over the next 3 years…

    Then last year when we broke up I unexpectedly got pregnant by a different man. I thought it was over with us but he stayed. And he is still here.. My daughter is about to be one year old.

    I don’t know what to do? He still continues to say he doesn’t like relationships and he doesn’t like commitment but yet talks to me everyday, talks about buying a house with me and other future related things.

    I can’t take it anymore! I need help I need someone to tell me what to do. I’m too blinded by my feelings for him to know if he will ever be something else.

  • brokenheartedgrandma
    June 1, 2016 7:32 pm

    My ‘unrequited’ and I had the talk, then the fight (yes, a huge email fight where we pretty much flew at each other and laid out each other’s faults in mean, hurtful ways), then came the tears, the apologies, forgiveness et al. A few weeks later, he texted me on an important holiday in our common religion and says he hopes to see me when he’s in town next (yes, it’s a long distance non-relationship lol). I said yes. Well 30 days has come and gone since then. No call. No next. Nothing. Everyone says forget him and move on to someone else, but they don’t understand. At my age (mid 50s), not a lot of “someone else’s” out there and I’m not the kind of person who is into casual dating and promiscuity! When one gets past the big 5-0, you find that single and available Christian men are quite rare. I’m only responding because I just think it’s important to put it out there that ‘moving on’ isn’t easy. I feel like someone has turned the light out in my life and I will always be alone.

  • Simone
    June 18, 2016 11:58 pm

    so glad I read this. I’m currently in that situation now. I fell for a guy who I’d know for 2 years. When we first met up we connected & I liked him & he liked me but he said he’s not looking for a relationship. I was stupid enough to keep in contact with him meet up, talk everyday but my heart was just telling me he will change he will want one eventually. Until recently I told him I fallen for him & want him as a boyfriend And Yep his answer had not changed within 2 years. Still not wanting or ready for a relationship. But all his actions and chats felt like he was ready for one or maybe I read too much into it. I was (and still am) heartbroken and feel stupid. I feel like I’ve wasted 2 years of trying to gain something that was never going to happen, i even turned down guys because I had fallen deep for this guy. But I now know to back right off if this situation happens again, don’t let your feeling take control.

  • Kimmy
    June 27, 2016 10:03 am

    I am so in love with this really nice guy. We dated a few years ago and i didn’t really like him. We broke up 3yrs ago. He came back into my like 7 months ago. We had an agreement of just sex now I’m in love with him . I told him and he said I figured this was going to happen. Expressed that he loved me too but didn’t want a relationship with me. I can’t say he lead me on.bc we agreed to jusr sex now I’m in love with him I’m every way possibly. I’ve stopped dating others because I was being sexually active with him. He is everything to me. It’s only been a few days since I seen him and I miss him so much. Me missing him is how i figured out i was in love with him. My heart is crushed. I know I’m wrong but why does he still want to be sexually frI ends with me. I’m looking for my husband. I don’t want just sex. I’m so hurt, confused.

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